New Love After Divorce

In the early stages of divorce, I remember looking, in amazement, at people who had previously been through the process and appeared to be happy in their current relationships. I didn’t know how long that might take for me, but it was always something that gave me a sense of hope for a better future.

Look, there are so many pieces of your life that you’re probably putting back together after a breakup. Love is an important one. I always tell people that when it comes down to it I got divorced because I believe in love.

It’s so important to me that you can see this website title carries the word (instead of a more website-search-engine-friendly description) because I want anyone who comes to these writings to know that each word written here is anchored by this very idea of love. I’m corny like that…. but I mean it and I send that out to you as you engage with the writing here.

There is a reason that this topic falls into the very latest stage of the divorce process that I’ve outlined for you.

If you are finding love after divorce at the age of 30 or even the age of 40 or older it might seem like time is of the essence. I assure you, your fearful mind is playing tricks on you. You have time.

I did cover some of the technical aspects of dating in another blog post if you’ve been out of the pool for a while.

This blog post is more about what happens when you’re starting to ‘get feels’ or you are finally opening up to the idea of a deeper relationship.

What I hope to convey to you are some of what you might experience or might want to question when you find yourself opening up to love again.

A little bit of cautionary advice followed by more hopeful guidance.

Beware Relationship Overlap

So, full disclosure, this is not something that I’ve experienced but I’ve seen this scenario a lot with acquaintances or friends, and it doesn’t usually end well. You may know someone who left their relationship because they found another person who made them realize that the marriage they were in was not good, perhaps even abusive.

If this was my friend who left their marriage in this manner, I would be thankful that someone else was able to disentangle them from the situation… I would also discourage my friend from pursuing a further relationship with the new love interest.

Essentially I would tell my friend, be grateful and then let them go.

I say this because if you have just come out of a traumatic relationship, you’re likely not yourself. You would essentially be building a new relationship as a shell of yourself.

You run the risk of denying yourself the chance to grow into who you potentially could be.

You run the risk of denying yourself the chance to really heal.

It’s so easy to be stuck in the ‘it’s meant to be’ mindset after you’ve been rescued from a very bad situation.

Let’s also keep in mind that it is entirely plausible that this person was introduced into your life to help you learn a lesson and that is all.

The way you view the story is going to have a strong impact on how you decide to move forward.

Beware of Your Specific Relationship Weakness

Okay, now back to my own experience. You may not know what your relationship weakness/weaknesses are.

I’ll help you identify one.

In your marriage, was there something you really felt was missing? Maybe it was physical chemistry, intellectual chemistry, or maybe someone who was consistent.

This is only anecdotal, but I have observed and experienced that whatever you were lacking in your previous relationship almost always becomes THE weak spot for you in future relationships to the point you will start to bargain with all the other things that really should be non-negotiables to keep this thing in your life.

You crave this one thing you were missing so much that it becomes addictive once you find it.

So, let’s say you lacked physical chemistry with your ex-partner.

You then meet someone who is off-the-charts when it comes to this aspect of attraction, and it is like nothing you have ever experienced.

What an amazing connection you have!

BUT they kind of don’t communicate well, or they don’t really meet you at an intellectual level. But you’re okay with that because you and this person are so connected physically.

Well, sorry that’s still not going to cut it in the long run.

And in fact, it may be harder to let go of this person than anyone else you have had to break up with before.

Falling for the ‘Fool’s Gold’ could land you in a tough spot, or another unfulfilling relationship, if you aren’t aware of this weakness you have.

Okay, now that I’ve discussed a couple of the pitfalls, here is the good stuff.

Connect With How You Feel and With What You Really Want

Acknowledging that you do want to find love, something that you don’t have a lot of control over, is a very vulnerable admission. Especially if you are used to doing everything for yourself and taking care of all aspects of your life. Remember, it’s a natural human instinct to desire companionship.

You don’t have much say in the timing of everything; the right people come into our lives in their own time. You can, however, decide what it is you definitively want.

In fact, I think when you are not seeing anyone, and you’ve had time and space to reflect on who you are and what you like and dislike is the best time to make ‘the list.’

What is your list of non-negotiables?

If you haven’t made a list yet, open the notes app on your phone or grab a pen and paper and start writing one.

The good thing about doing this when you are in a very clear and grounded place with yourself is that in the case that someone comes along who ticks the box for your relationship ‘weakness,’ you will be less willing to bargain if you have your list to remind you that you don’t want to, say, raise a man-child.

You’ll be surprised later at how much you might be willing to bargain if you don’t get super clear on what you require for yourself.

Once you’re done writing this list, run it by your most trusted friends and ask if they see any issues or would add anything. I amend my list all the time. I show it to my girl and guy friends. Also, because they should really know the requirements if they’re trying to set me up with someone.

But really, the list is like a contractual agreement with yourself to only accept these things in a relationship.

Find Love in Other Ways In the Meantime

You want an actual chance at finding supportive, understanding, genuinely caring love in a new romantic relationship.

Until that time, find ways to practice and recognize love in other parts of your life.

Maybe at first it’s love of your children, so they have a better understanding of a healthy relationship, maybe it’s love of yourself that you can remove yourself from a harmful situation, or maybe you have decided real love is important to you and just going through the motions of a partnership where you don’t feel fully understood is no longer enough.

All of these are acts of love.

Self-love is another way you can introduce more of this into your life.

Self-love can mean any number of things and will be highly specific to you. It could be noticing some quality about yourself that you appreciate, taking yourself out for a coffee date, buying a book you’ve been wanting to read and setting aside a cozy corner of your place to relax and focus on it. It may also look like:

-          Allowing yourself breaks

-          Saying three kind things to yourself every morning in front of your mirror

-          Listening to your body and what it needs from you right now in this moment

-          Putting on your favorite music while cooking a meal that brings you joy

If love is a priority to you, and one of the core things that you need in your life, it’s hard to depend on another person for that stimulus.

To that end, your desire to be loved or be in a loving relationship (or for some it’s avoiding loneliness) could cause you to jump headfirst into something that is not actually great for you out of desperation. The practice of self-love is a wonderful way of managing this.

If you stop to think about it you’ll realize you are surrounded by love in many ways. New love doesn’t just mean a romantic relationship. I consider it as a way of being and living. If you do this, it’s just a matter of time before the right relationship for you shows up. But these practices will keep you in good stead until that time.