How to Successfully Co-Parent After Divorce

Getting through a divorce is one thing, co-parenting for the rest of your life is entirely another.

Hopefully, you have been setting the stage for a smooth transition of parenting through the entire divorce process from the moment you told them and all the way through to the conclusion of family court.

By now you may have an arrangement of shared custody that has been working for a while now so that once you’re on the other side of your divorce you can resume the arrangement that was put in place. You’ve likely gone through a full calendar year cycle of holidays and birthdays and have an idea of how those feel when you share the kids.

I cannot speak to every arrangement but can tell you what works in the one that I am a part of.

This is a big subject, so I won’t pretend to cover everything here. A few things I need to mention at the outset. This only pertains to co-parents that can be reasonable. I understand that some of you are co-parenting with someone who might genuinely be abusive, is a danger to the children, or is even totally absent or unreliable.

On some level, the advice is the same but if you are dealing with a co-parent who exhibits behaviors that negatively affect the children there is an extra level of care that comes with insulating the kids.

Consider a Custody Arrangement That Looks Different Than the Parenting Orders

To say that as co-parents we deviate from the parenting orders is an understatement. We have a standard arrangement where I am the primary caregiver. Their father gets Wednesdays and every other weekend with them. However…

Pick-up and Drop Off

According to the order we are supposed to switch during the school drop-off. So, say on a Wednesday I drop off our kids at school and he would be the one to pick them up and resume his time with the kids. Then he would bring them to school the next morning (Thursday) and I would pick them up from school.

We don’t do this.

I understand that in some situations it is best for co-parents not to have to interact with or see each other at all, but things aren’t too bad between us that we can’t exchange the kids.

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely don’t talk, but it’s civil enough to do the switch-off in person.

Also, I’m the prompter parent so getting the kids to school on time and picking them up makes more sense and relieves some of the anxiety of my older child of getting to school on time. If it really bothered me I could technically enforce the order but having this casual arrangement makes dealing with other unpredictable matters easier if I need an extra hand from my co-parent.

We have a predictable routine of who picks up from where and when.

Alternating Weekends

One of the most practical things my ex has suggested when it comes to sharing time is that instead of doing every other weekend successively we go by an odd/even Saturday weekend schedule. So he gets the first, third, and fifth (if there is one) weekend of the month and I get the second and fourth. The main difference is that he gets *slightly* more days with them but I’m okay with that.

And the caveat of all these adjustments to our parenting arrangement is that we both agree to it.

I find this so much easier than having to calculate which weekend is the alternate 7 months down the road. Particularly if we decide to swap a certain weekend it really tended to confuse the schedule thereafter.

I’m not going to lie, when he first suggested this I was wondering what the angle was that could possibly put me at a disadvantage, I even discussed this with my lawyer. But several years on it still seems to be very effective.

It makes it easier to plan activities with the kids because I can easily see if that is my allocated weekend. If it is, I plan it without worry. If it’s not, I might ask my ex if we can swap and it is usually not a problem. He does the same with me.

Changing the Parenting Orders

At one point, after the weekend agreement seemed to work, my ex had asked if we could make it a permanent measure and asked if I wanted to change the parenting orders to reflect our actual arrangement.

Again, consulting with my lawyer she asked why there was a need to do it (and spend the money) if we both agreed to it. I felt the same way. And I also liked that if something happened I could always demand we go back to the original orders set in place.

I don’t think we will need to but the threat of going back to a more formal arrangement is enough to keep us both in line.

Respect and Support the Relationship the Kids Have with Their Other Parent

If the kids want to talk with excitement about what they did on the weekend without me then I let them and I listen attentively.

If they want share something funny that happened, that’s great.

Do I really care about what is going on in over there? Honestly, no.

But just in the same way I’ll listen to them talk about new music they love, or a favorite toy, their life with their dad is a part of them and I allow them to express themselves.

If I asked them to not talk about their dad, I’m essentially not allowing them to fully be themselves.

In another blog post I discuss my perspective when it comes to describing to the kids why we are no longer together.

Supporting their relationship with their other parent doesn’t mean I have to force them to have a loving relationship with him. That’s their dad’s job.

As far as I’m concerned I’m here to help them understand what a supportive and respectful relationship feels like by modeling it myself with them.

Get Over the Fact that Your Parenting Styles Are Different

You have a right to conduct your household the way you choose, as does the other co-parent.

There might be some things that annoy the hell out of you, but if it isn’t dangerous for your children it’s not really your business.

I have seen people completely demonize an ex-partner to their children when this isn’t warranted. Just because someone does something differently than you do doesn’t automatically make them terrible.

Do I love it that my young daughter stays up until midnight on a school night when she’s with her dad sometimes? No. Am I going to throw a fit over it? Also no. I don’t think this is ideal, but in the grand scheme of things it’s probably not going to create lasting harm.

Remember that Important Matters Require the Involvement of Both Parents

When it comes to important things like health matters or applying for passports, both parents need to be on the same page and agree to these things.

Even if the court doesn’t mandate it, and even if you and your ex are not on speaking terms, sending a text about a medical concern in a timely manner is the responsible thing to do. It’s not just to let them know that something has happened, it could be important for future reference.

For example, if your child bumps their head somewhere just before they go to the other parent’s house, you probably should let them know to watch out of signs if the child appears different later or is experiencing side effects from it.

Whether you remain friends or not after the marriage, the fact remains that you two are working together for the wellbeing of any children that you have together.

Never forget that you are on the same team.