How to Protect Your Heart and Mind in a New Relationship
If you’ve ever entered a new relationship feeling totally overwhelmed and vulnerable by the connection you have with someone, you might find this blog post helpful.
Relationships and intimacy require some level of vulnerability. If you’re someone like me, who used to try and control as much of my life as possible, being vulnerable is not an easy ask. Knowing that you’re starting to fall for someone can be so disorienting.
It’s all fun and games until you make a deep connection
When I started to date and meet people it felt good to learn more about myself and others. I was confident and it was a fun and entertaining exercise.
The hard part was when I finally met someone that I unexpectedly and instantly connected with. Our first dates were enjoyable but the in between time for me was excruciating. I was consumed with knowing if we were going to work out and if he was feeling the same way that I was.
I was excited and anxious.
I over-analyzed every single message and interaction.
The whole thing was unchartered territory for me, and I hated the uncertainty of it all.
I hated the idea that this other person so strongly affected my emotions.
It was the first real connection I had made with someone since I had been divorced so I assumed that my anxiety was largely due to the fact I hadn’t been in a relationship like this in a long time.
It was a familiar feeling; one I had experienced with people I dated before marriage. It was my pattern, my default. I assumed the anxiety stemmed from a fear of opening up and being vulnerable with someone new.
Sometimes an outside perspective can bring more clarity
During that early phase of the relationship, I was talking to one of my guy friends and getting him up to speed on this new person I was dating. I value this friend’s opinion a lot, so I felt comfortable sharing my feelings of distress.
As I was explaining the situation he brought up an idea I hadn’t previously considered. He said, ‘Maybe you’re anxious because you haven’t experienced this before, but it also sounds like this guy’s inconsistent behaviour is probably adding to it.’
It hadn’t occurred to me that both things could be true at the same time.
I was anxious about being vulnerable.
I was ALSO anxious because I was getting mixed messages from this new dating prospect.
Having the time and distance from that relationship now I can see my friend was spot on in his assessment.
It didn’t help that I was also ill-prepared to deal with the early stages of a connection like that.
What would I do differently in the early stages of a relationship?
If I had to do it again, I’d approach the early stages of a relationship very differently. I use the term ‘relationship’ very loosely when I refer to these early stages. I’m talking about the first few weeks or couple of months of getting to know someone. Some people might call it the ‘talking stage’ or ‘dating’.
Taking things slow and allowing the actual relationship to unfold in a real way (without being invested in a certain outcome) would have been helpful.
This also means taking the time to see what a person is really like rather than seeing what you want to see.
As mentioned before, my anxiety was two-fold. One part of my anxiety was related to my own fears about vulnerability. The second piece was that I liked a person who was giving me mixed messages by being inconsistent in their interest in me. (As an aside, at my grown age I know very well now that mixed messages are a very CLEAR message in their own way – in other words, not the person for you).
Knowing these things now, I approach new relationships with a game plan.
Tips for Keeping Your Cool During the Talking Stage
To help with general anxiety about being vulnerable to new connections
When you find a connection that feels real, the game seems so much more high-stakes. Having something in front of us that appears valuable makes us suddenly aware of how scary it might be to lose it.
That’s how I used to view it. Now I think more in terms of ‘if we’re really a good match for each other, a small thing isn’t going to ruin that’. Be yourself and don’t worry about losing a real connection. If it’s so easily lost, it wasn’t meant to be, and that person isn’t likely a good match for you.
A few things that can help keep your cool:
Stay in the moment – you’re there for a good time right now and that’s it. There’s no need to project into some future. Sure, if you want a family eventually bringing that up in general makes sense, but don’t start to name your kids together. Making sure you don’t get ahead of yourself and get comfortable with allowing things to unfold naturally.
Stay engaged with your life – Had a great date and you’re wondering whether you’re going to meet up again? That is precisely the time you need to get on with other things you have going on in your life. Start a hobby if you need to and find new and engaging distractions so that you’re building a full life outside of waiting for romance. The guy might not call back, but now you can keep it moving as you’ve got a great schedule going.
Keep your appointments with friends and dates with yourself – My cardinal rule of dating is that I never change my regularly scheduled program for someone I hardly know. My OG friends come first, I come first. This person is a nice addition to your life, and until some future date, where they have proven themselves to be worthy, we do not place them in such high importance that we rearrange our lives for them.
To help with the anxiety of wondering whether they are into you
I do generally believe that if a man makes you feel uncertain about how he feels about you, then you already know how he feels about you. He’s not that interested.
If they are simply not good at communicating, then you get to decide how comfortable you are with that. I wouldn’t be so that makes it easy in that regard.
However, if you’ve got something like abandonment issues, there’s a good chance that no amount of reassurance will be enough. That’s an entirely different subject that would probably be a good idea to talk with a therapist about to get to the bottom of. Again, there is so much nuance to all these subjects.
But cutting someone off purely from *vibes* isn’t going to sit well with most people so let me give you a few things I’ve learned to observe to see whether you’re senses are sharp and they are giving you reason to feel anxious:
Pay attention to actions and patterns – Do they do what they say they’re going to do? Do his stories make sense with the timelines? I’m not just talking about in relation to his dating life, I mean anything and everything. This is mostly to get a sense of how reliable a narrator they are of their own story and intentions. For example, if someone says they really miss you but you’re the one always reaching out to them, they’re probably not telling you an accurate story of what’s going on.
Move at a pace that allows for full consideration- If you’ve already identified yourself as someone who falls fast, it can be tempting to lean into this with another person who is willing to do the same. Please don’t do this. Trying to move things along quickly is usually reserved for people who aren’t using caution or trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Neither scenario is great. Urgency has no place at the beginning of a relationship. This is good time to practice putting on the brakes. Plus, you get a chance to see what they’re like when they come up against resistance.
Remember the main question isn’t whether they like you, it’s whether you like them -Just like when you go to a job interview, never forget that you’re there to find out if they are someone that might be the right fit for you. On paper or connection-wise you could be off to a good start - that’s wonderful! But you still need to put in the time to get a full picture of the person. The first few months are still like a probationary period.
Bonus tip: Learn how to lose interest in people who are not interested in you
If there is one thing I wish more people would practice in their dating life, it’s happily letting go of someone who doesn’t choose you. I don’t care how ‘desirable’ someone is, if they are not able to fully appreciate what is great about you, they’re not the right person for you.
The same goes for people who are unable to meet your needs when it comes to communication, empathy, care, etc. I argue it doesn’t matter what the intent is in these situations. If someone isn’t capable of showing up in a way that you want in a partner they could be one of the greatest people in the world and still not be right for you.
You don’t have to wait for someone to become a bad person to let go of them. It’s enough to say that they aren’t the right fit and leave it at that.
Conclusion: Protecting Yourself is Empowering
Navigating new relationships can feel like a delicate balancing act, especially when emotions run high and vulnerability feels daunting. Protecting your heart and mind isn’t necessarily about building walls—it’s about setting healthy boundaries, staying grounded in your own worth, and allowing relationships to unfold naturally.
By staying true to yourself, observing actions over words, and learning to let go of connections that don’t serve you, you empower yourself to approach love with clarity and confidence. Remember, the right relationship will enhance your life, not confuse or diminish it. Trust yourself to find that balance, and don’t be afraid to walk away when it’s not right.
Summary: Key Takeaways for Protecting Your Heart and Mind in a New Relationship
Stay in the moment: Focus on enjoying the present instead of projecting into the future. Let the relationship unfold naturally.
Keep your life full: Stay engaged with hobbies, work, and social commitments to avoid becoming overly fixated on the relationship.
Maintain boundaries: Prioritize your schedule and existing relationships. Don’t rearrange your life for someone you just met.
Observe actions over words: Pay attention to patterns of behavior and whether they align with their claims and promises.
Take it slow: Avoid rushing into a relationship. Give yourself time to evaluate if the person is truly a good match.
Shift the focus: Instead of worrying about whether they like you, ask yourself if they’re someone you genuinely like and respect.
Accept mixed signals as clarity: If someone’s interest is inconsistent, take it as a sign they’re not the right person for you.
Let go with grace: Learn to move on from people who don’t choose you or meet your needs without waiting for them to become a bad partner.
Embrace vulnerability: Being open is part of building a connection, but balance it with discernment and self-awareness.
Focus on compatibility: Remember that dating is about finding someone who fits your life—not just about being chosen by them.