Dating: What to Do When They’re Just Not That Into You

At the risk of this being an incredibly short blog post, my advice when someone is not into you is simple: leave them be. And by all means, do not entertain them if they come crawling back.

The ability to immediately stop being interested in someone when they show you they aren’t taking you seriously is the one thing I wish I could teach all women and girls.

Releasing yourself from second-guessing, from the "What did I do wrong?" spiral, is one of the most powerful skills you can learn. If you’ve ever found yourself in this position, or are currently experiencing it, I want to offer you a different perspective—one that shifts the focus away from them and back onto you and what you want and need from someone.

The idea that you need to convince someone that you’re worth their time? That breaks my heart. I feel sad for my past self for ever thinking that way, and I have deep sympathy for anyone still holding onto that belief.

Below are some common situations where someone’s lack of interest can be confusing. They may seem unique, but they all boil down to the same truth: if they wanted to and were capable of doing, they would.

The Guy Who You Had a Great Date With, But It Didn’t Progress Further

You feel a spark, hit it off, maybe even go on more than one date, and then—coldness. He doesn’t reach out as much. You start wondering if you misread the signs.

Reframe:

The truth? None of that matters. What matters is that he’s no longer interested enough to make an effort. You can move on now. My favorite saying for this scenario? “The trash took itself out.”

Okay, that’s a little harsh, and just because someone doesn’t want to date you doesn’t make them a bad person. But it does emphasize an important fact: he wasn’t a fit for you, and he removed himself from the equation. That’s a gift.

The Guy Who Is Inconsistent

Maybe he’s terrible at texting back, forgets plans, or doesn’t follow through. Yet, just when you’re about to move on, he pops back up. Funny how they always seem to sense that timing, huh?

Reframe:

Even if you get along well when you’re together, inconsistency does not make for an equitable relationship. It means he’s the one deciding when and how you fit into his life. Let’s not accept crumbs. If you’re looking for a relationship, take the inconsistency as a clear sign that this isn’t viable. Why would you want to dedicate yourself to someone who cannot show up reliably for you?

The Guy Who Is Like a Best Friend but Hasn’t Made a Move

This is very When Harry Met Sally coded—the guy you tell everything to, yet he never makes it romantic. Maybe you’ve watched him date others while secretly hoping he’ll one day choose you. If you’re waiting for your movie ending, you can stop.

Reframe:

There are plenty of reasons why a man might never pursue romance with you. Maybe he thinks he can do better, or maybe he thinks you’re too good for him. The reason doesn’t matter. The fact that he hasn’t chosen you—over and over again—should be enough of a sign.

If his other options run dry and he finally turns to you, I hope you remember this: You deserve to be someone’s first choice. This situation? It’s not that.

The Guy You Have a Crush on from Afar

If you’re hyperfocused on someone you barely know and have built up an idea of them in your head, pause. You might be imagining a version of them that doesn’t exist.

Reframe:

Your brain is filling in the blanks with an idealized version of this person. It’s unfair to both of you. Crushes can be fun, but it’s important to recognize when they’re more fantasy than reality. Get to know the real them—or, better yet, redirect your energy toward people who reciprocate your interest.

The Guy Who Chats on Apps but Never Sets a Date

You have a great time texting, but every time you suggest meeting up, he’s busy.

Reframe:

Should this person even be dating if they can’t make time for a simple coffee meet-up? If someone is genuinely interested, they will find a way. This kind of behavior is sus—move on.

The Guy Who Is Too Busy

Maybe he has a packed schedule filled with work, family, and friends. You admire his ambition, but he can’t seem to make time for you.

Reframe:

If a man is truly busy but interested in you, he’ll find a way to make time. If he doesn’t, it’s a capability issue—one that has nothing to do with your worthiness. Even if his busyness is legitimate, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t have time for you?

The exception? If this is a temporary situation with a clear end date (e.g., finishing grad school, a seasonal work rush). Otherwise, he’s just not prioritizing you.

Final Thoughts

The sooner you stop giving energy to people who are lukewarm about you, the sooner you’ll attract people who are genuinely excited about you. A person who truly wants to be with you will make it clear. There will be no need for guesswork, decoding, or waiting around.

If you take one thing away from this post, let it be this: When someone shows you they aren’t interested, believe them the first time.