Dating During or After Divorce

Jan 30

I want to state from the outset that my personal stance on this for myself was one of waiting at least a year of separation to even begin the idea of dating again. I had a one-year-old to take care of and an older child that I wanted to make sure was emotionally well. Dating was honestly the last thing on my mind.

One of the most pressing questions that someone might have during the early stages of divorce is ‘can I date during my divorce?’ My first thought to this is ‘what’s the rush?’

If you are fresh off a separation and eager to meet up with other people again, take a minute and ask yourself, why? If you’re reading this and taking the time to be thoughtful about your situation this is probably not you. Maybe you’ve come to this blog post to be reassured that there is a personal life after divorce. I can attest that there most certainly is.

If your divorce is taking a long time and going over many years, I could see why someone might be interested in dating while the divorce is pending. But those who are fresh and are staring down a simple divorce that takes 6-12 months this is not really a long time, and why aren’t you giving yourself the time and space to be by yourself.

Anyway, take from this what you will. Here are just a few questions that may come up for you as you begin on your dating journey again, perhaps some you haven’t even thought of.

IS IT OKAY TO DATE DURING DIVORCE FROM A LEGAL PERSPECTIVE?

As ancient as this sounds, your personal life may have an impact on your divorce proceedings depending on what state you live in. As this differs from state to state, it is something you can bring up with your attorney.

I lived in a state where technically there was nothing held against you if you started another relationship with someone else. However, even if this might be the case, if you have children the time that you are spending away with someone else and not with your kids could look poorly on you in the family court.

The optics of what you are doing may have a bearing on what happens. If you are being child-centric you shouldn’t have a problem defending yourself.

WHAT CONSEQUENCES COULD COME FROM DATING DURING DIVORCE?

You may already be in a middle of a very combative situation, especially if you were the one who decided to end the marriage. Your spouse could be especially bitter about the situation if they see you moving on with someone else. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t develop your own personal life, but it is probably wise to use discretion if your situation is like this.

HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT BEFORE I START DATING AGAIN?

This is a highly personal question and will vary from person to person. Certainly, you wouldn’t want to jump into the scene if you are still trying to come to terms with what happened. Meeting people while you are in a vulnerable state is a danger. I mean that literally and figuratively.

You might meet someone who could take advantage of your emotional state or put your trust or good faith in people that may be harmful to you. When we’re vulnerable we can tend to see what we want to see, and this does not help with thinking clearly.

Let’s face it, someone who is set on immediately dating isn’t going to be taking the time to read this. Those are the ‘dive in head first’ sort of people. If you are wondering for yourself if you are ready, maybe ask yourself:

· How do I feel when I am by myself?

· Am I dating so I won’t be alone?

· Do I have a sense about what when wrong in my previous relationship?

· What was my contribution to the marriage ending?

These questions aren’t the test for whether you are ready, but they will give you a sense of how much you’ve learned from your previous situation.

DATING TO DISTRACT FROM LONELINESS

I completely understand why you might be drawn to dating again because feelings of loneliness can be so overwhelming sometimes, especially if you have been with someone for years or even decades.

Loneliness is a powerful and uncomfortable feeling. But who said this needs to be a bad thing? That discomfort is likely pointing you in the direction of important lessons about yourself. Being able to face this feeling and treat yourself gently while you are experiencing it can be one of the kindest things you can do for yourself. In this case, you are learning to care for yourself rather than looking outward for someone to do that for you. It’s a good skill to develop.

In addition to relying on others to make you feel better, dating after divorce can be detrimental as it is a huge distraction from figuring out and assessing what went wrong, what was good, and even dysfunctional tendencies.

Why would you want to interrupt these important lessons from coming through by jumping into dating too soon?

THE ALL-IMPORTANT BREAK

Even if you knew your marriage was truly over while still married, it’s still a good idea to give yourself time and space after a formal breakup because you’ll be getting used to a whole new life. Although there is no magic time frame by which one is ready to date, having been through the process and seeing the changes that occur personally, I would tell anyone to wait about a year.

Yes, it feels nice to have attention from other people and it might be attractive to have that distraction, but when you’re coming off of a broken relationship the last thing you need is a distraction. You want to see things very clearly, understand what your hurts are, and have time to think about what led you into that relationship in the first place.

Do you have that friend who always seems to be getting into the same dysfunctional relationship dynamic with different people? Or maybe you have a friend who cannot be alone and jumps from one person to the next without a break? Please, do not be that person. A bit of a break can go a long way toward interrupting unhealthy patterns if you take the time to self-reflect.

FOR WHEN YOU ARE READY TO DATE AGAIN

Of course, there will be a time when you are finally ready to date again and I don’t want to leave you hanging without some advice on that. The following are a few guidelines that could help when you are open to dating again.

Using Dating Apps

As much as you might hate the idea or heard terrible stories about the dating apps, this is how people are meeting these days. When you are starting off it could be a good time to experiment with what you consider to be your type.

You are getting to know yourself in relation to other people that you meet. Maybe stay more open-minded if the people do not exhibit very strong deal-breakers. You could discover that there are different types of matches for you than you had imagined. Perhaps you don’t know things about yourself that someone else can show you.

Being Smart and Safe

Do not give out tons of personal information, address, where your kids go to school. Trust that it is possible to have a decent conversation without getting into the minutiae of your life that would expose you to someone who might want to stalk you.

The sad truth for women is that we must be extra-cautious when meeting someone. I would usually text my friend a profile screenshot of the person I was meeting for a date, the time, place, and selfie of what I was wearing (in case I went missing and they needed to look for me). I would text her as soon as I got to the location, immediately after I was headed home, and then when I got home. I tried to treat this exercise in safety more as having fun chat with my girlfriend so she could keep up with my dating life rather than the macabre meaning it had.

Keep It Light and Take Some Time to Learn About Yourself Through Others

Whatever you read in someone’s dating bio or what they tell you on the first date, please take it with a grain of salt. Some people do not actually know themselves at all, and some are flat-out liars.

Are they showering with you praise upon first meeting when they don’t know anything about you yet? Run.

Does what they say line up with how they act in person and their story is very consistent with what you’ve seen? This is probably a good sign.

As you’re getting to know people, you’ll learn a lot about what you do and don’t like. So, even if someone is not necessarily a match for you, they could be doing you a huge service to help you figure out more clearly what you do want.

Coffee First

I personally prefer to have coffee with someone first rather than committing to date because it makes it easier to end the meet up if things aren’t going well. And if you’re not into coffee, whatever your non-alcoholic version of this is. Let’s keep our senses clear, right?

But my suggestion is even more specific than this. Coffee, at a café you normally frequent (so the baristas know you and you’re on your home turf) and instead of sitting down at a table to talk, grabbing a take away and walking around the block. I frequent a place that is a big tourist destination so there are a lot of people which makes me feel safer.

The reason I suggest a walk is because sitting at a table the only real information you’re getting about someone is what they tell you. If you go for a walk you can see, to some extent, how they interact with the world around them.

Does this person keep themselves positioned closest to the road when you two are walking on the sidewalk to protect you? Are they deathly afraid of birds? Do they help old ladies cross the street?

Plus, walking side by side and talking feels much more casual than sitting face-to-face, job interview style.

Be Yourself

Always.

If you put on a show and pretend to be someone you are not, the people who love you don’t love you. They love the pretend version of you.

The quickest way to find the person who is right for you is to show up fully as yourself and allow them to find you. There’s no need to feel self-conscious when you are meeting people.

Going with the job-interview analogy, it might feel like you are the one in the spotlight but in reality, you are also deciding if they are a fit for you.

Don’t Take Rejection Personally

Sure, some people are fortunate to find their person right away. Many of us are relegated to playing the numbers game. Please, do not take rejection personally. If someone treats you poorly or ghosts you, that’s a reflection of them.

I will also add, that it would be great if you would handle others you may not be interested in with the same care that you would want.