Why I Try to do the Bare Minimum When it Comes to Parenting
I used to think that I would be an Asian Tiger Mom. But then I had kids and realized that neither of them needed that from me, so this imagined identity never materialized.
In fact, I became virtually the opposite type of parent than I thought I would be. Over the years I’ve decided that what they most need from me is nurturing, consistency, reliability, and to see the vibrancy for life that comes with me fulfilling my own potential.
For them, I am the rock and the risk-taker.
I am safe harbor and an explorer in my own right.
If you believe the studies that say the number one indicator of a child’s wellbeing is the wellbeing of the mother, then this is probably a topic worth considering, especially if you’re feeling the burnout of motherhood.
Letting go of certain parenting expectations
Pursuing my own interests is only possible, especially as a divorced single mother, because I’ve let go of a lot of the parenting traditions that I grew up seeing on TV. Sitting down to a home cooked dinner 7 nights a week isn’t compatible with the kind of parent I would like to be for them.
I don’t write this blog post to suggest that you should strive for the same thing. As you’ll notice, most of my blog posts encourage you to find your own way of doing things that feel right for you.
My writing here is to provide you support if you’re finding the obligations that come with parenting to be all too much. Even when you graduate from the grueling newborn stage and terrible twos you get thrown into the deep end of packing lunches every day, laundering school uniforms, keeping up with emails from teachers, kids’ parties, and carpooling to practices. It’s a lot.
This is a reminder that you’re allowed to question and potentially let go of expectations that aren’t essential.
As an attentive parent, I know that the choices I make impact the children I’m raising. So, taking this idea a step further and thinking about what they might learn or observe from this change, I feel comfortable with the potential side-effects. In fact, there are a few that I think serve them better in the long run.
The benefits of being a bare minimum parent:
They learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them
Do the kids know that I am an abiding and constant support system for them? Yes.
Do they also know that I have my own life going on? Also, yes.
You don’t exist in this world only to take care of them. You’re not an NPC in their simulation of the game of life. You are a fully actualized person who deserves respect. And just to be clear, if I was a homemaker and that’s where I got my fulfillment from, I would also do other things to assert my own personhood in a way that is conspicuous to the children. How? I dunno exactly but maybe someone reading this has some first-hand experience and examples. Would love to hear from you. 😊
They learn that parenting is one facet of my life
Some people are CALLED to be parents, they’ve dreamt of it their entire life.
I’m not one of those people; however, I take the responsibility very seriously.
Of course I want to be a good parent, and just because I’m not creating all the extra bells and whistles doesn’t mean I’m any less of a parent than others. Nor does it mean that I love my kids any less. I happen to have a multitude of interests, and I like to think that the kids are learning to lean into their interests as well by seeing me as an example.
Parenting lightly means that I can adjust my style based on what they need at the time
Would it surprise you to learn that many people base their parenting style on what they wish they had as a kid? If you were a latch key kid, maybe you grew up and wanted to be a super involved homemaker because you don’t want your children to feel the same type of loneliness. Or maybe you grew up in a super strict household so now you don’t like to have rules or bedtimes. This makes sense from the standpoint that maybe you’re wanting to have them avoid the potential pitfalls you experienced. However, unless you pay attention to your child’s personality, their circumstances and the context that your child lives in you may be missing the things they need from you.
Parenting lightly to me means not getting attached to one particular way of doing things, because it could very well become obsolete as the kids grow. It means assuming the role of the parent they need and not the parent you want to be.
To me it makes more sense to parent to their childhood rather than yours.
I won’t feel resentful about the sacrifices that I have chosen to make for them
Imagine that you’ve spent every waking moment only thinking about their needs and putting them before you. You attend to their every whim and sacrifice everything to improve their lives.
Then one day they walk away from you, and you never speak to them again.
How would you feel about that? Anger? Resentment? Like they are ungrateful for everything that you’ve done for them?
It’s a hard truth but no matter how much influence you have over these little people, you cannot control their life choices and this might potentially mean you play a smaller and smaller role in their lives as time goes on.
I know this is an extreme example but basing my own worth on whether the kids like me or whether they achieve accomplishments I deem worthy is not the point of parenting to me.
I do think it’s true that one of the byproducts of healthy parenting can be that they come back to you (even when you’d like peace and quiet lol), but you’ll never really know if that’s the case until they’re older.
My personal stance is that parenting isn’t some investment where the children are a commodity that grows in value to you. I believe it is about pouring your goodwill into something that will outlast you and contributing to a better future, even when it doesn’t include you.
They won’t feel like a burden or that they owe me some debt for having cared for them
I also don’t want to place upon them a debt or burden that they think they need to fulfill. When they eventually become older adults, I hope our bond is based on mutual love and respect and not a sense of owing me anything. I would rather they look at me as though I’m a safe space rather than some sort of bill collector or bank.
They will hopefully have at least one model of self-care and prioritize their own wellbeing
My hope is that they learn to model a sense of obligation and generosity while also maintaining healthy boundaries for themselves and balancing their own self-care and wellbeing. Sure, they may meet people in their lives, perhaps a partner, who will also look after their wellbeing, but I want to make sure this comes from within as well. The best way I can do that is to practice this myself. Kids learn from what we do, not what we say, right?
In choosing to be a “bare minimum” parent, I’ve found freedom, fulfillment, and clarity in how I approach raising my kids. It’s not about doing less but about doing what matters most for them—and for me. By prioritizing their needs alongside my own well-being, I’m hopefully creating a home where they feel supported, respected, and encouraged to grow into independent, compassionate individuals.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the endless expectations of parenting, this approach might inspire you to reimagine what “good parenting” looks like for your family. After all, we’re not here to perform parenthood; we’re here to live it authentically.