Why Friendship First Might be the Key to Finding Last Lasting Love

Most of my blog posts share insights from experiences I’ve already worked through extensively, but today I’m exploring a work-in-progress idea: why starting with friendship might be the best approach for me when considering a romantic relationship.

If you’ve ever found yourself making less-than-ideal choices in love, this perspective might resonate. Here’s why I’ve shifted my focus to building a strong friendship foundation with potential partners—and how it’s shaping my approach to dating.

Why Friendship First?

Romantic Radar vs. Friendship Instincts

I’m fortunate to have a handful of close friends. The ones who would ask you to be their maid of honor at a wedding. Having one is fortuitous; I’ve been lucky to experience this a handful of times with my female best friends. I would consider myself to have very good discernment when it comes to this type of friendship.

On the flip side, in the past I’ve had a pattern of choosing relationships with men I wouldn’t even want to be friends with at all. I’m not talking about us simply being different people, I’m saying someone could objectively say they aren’t a good person to be around.

With this kind of track record, I think it’s safe to draw the conclusion that I have better instincts when it comes to my friendships. I think that says a lot about how bad my radar has been in romantic relationships.

It’s not a mystery to me as to why I’ve leaned this way in the past. I wrote about this a little in a previous blog post about the pitfalls of your first romance after a split. I have a good idea now of how my need for security and connection (the most sensitive parts of me) led me to overlook other incompatibilities.

I like to think I’m done making those mistakes, although you never really know until you’re faced with it again.

Viewing Love Through the Lens of Friendship

Here’s my theory: if I’m great at choosing friends, why not apply the same criteria to potential partners? By focusing on friendship first, I remove the rose-colored glasses of romance and see the person for who they truly are.

My current “rule” is to know someone for about six months before even considering them romantically. Yes, it’s a long time, and it poses challenges, but it ensures that any relationship starts on a foundation of genuine connection.

Friendship and Physical Chemistry

I really love listening to people’s concerns about this approach. One that has come up is basically the idea of a person being in the ‘friendzone’ and never getting out. I don’t know how other people’s minds operate, but mine doesn’t work that way. If physical chemistry is there at all, developing a deep friendship and understanding will allow that to grow. Long story short, I’m not concerned about this theoretical issue.

Would I let go of someone who I didn’t connect with physically but who was a great match otherwise?

Yes, because for me physical chemistry is a form of communication, not just some superficial trait. I mean, it can be superficial if you want to treat it that way (and it’s not coupled with any other type of compatibility). Maybe I need another blog post about this, too.

Why Six Months?

My description of waiting out six months of friendship is NOT a veiled way of saying I’m not going to sleep with someone for six months. This is not a celibacy play. I’m not trying to make someone desire me more by withholding something they might think they want.

In this situation, do I think it makes sense to introduce sex? Not really.

But I am not the blogger, nor is this the blog where I’m sharing rules for physical intimacy.

I’m simply sharing how I’m allowing myself the chance to see another person more clearly, without the lens of romance.

It Takes Time To Get to Know Someone

It takes time to truly understand someone—their values, how they handle challenges, the friends they keep, and how they behave when things don’t go their way. As adults, we’re juggling careers, kids, and other responsibilities, so building a solid connection requires patience and intention.

Building in friendship-focused time means less pressure and wondering if you’ll work out, and more time just observing them in their natural state.

Cheesy as it sounds, ideally I’d meet a gentleman, we spark up a friendship where we develop a genuine respect and admiration for each other. And by the time we go on a first date we’re already in love.

The “No Man Will Wait Six Months” Argument

Whenever I mention my six-month friendship-first rule, I’m met with skepticism. “No man will wait that long,” they say.

And to that, I respond: That’s the point.

The only person who would stick around is someone who genuinely values me for who I am, whether or not romance is on the table. If someone drifts away during that time, it’s a sign they weren’t best friend material to begin with.

I once mentioned this to a guy who had expressed interest in me and after much consideration he accepted the situation. We planned on meeting up for a friendly coffee catchup, but our schedules didn’t really work and our messaging ceased. Then six months later he shows back up again and asks to take me on a date. He didn’t understand the point of the six-month rule. Even if I didn’t explain it very well it didn’t matter because it worked precisely how it was supposed to.

He went along with his life and wasn’t interested in getting to know me in a friendly way. Those six months that passed that we never talked was everything I needed to know about his and my compatibility.

For the record I do have male friends that I keep up with in a natural way. It’s not that hard to send someone a message or a meme or a joke that reminds them of you. That’s how I communicate and that’s how the people I consider friends do, too.

If you’re asking why I didn’t message him? I don’t pursue men, not because of some traditional role but rather because I am EXTREMELY GOOD at keeping up with people. If I do all the heavy lifting when it comes to communication I never get to see what they’re capable of. I could literally carry an entire friendship, so I’ve learned to take a step back and allow the other person to show up as they would.

Again, all these decisions are based around knowing myself and my tendencies. Maybe you don’t need a six-month friendship rule, maybe you will implement some other supportive measure to ensure you’re only matching up with someone who is right for you. I’d love to hear what it might be 😊

Conclusion: Friendship as the Foundation of Romantic Love

Friendship first isn’t about delaying romance for the sake of it. It’s about creating the space to see another person clearly and without the weight of expectation.

This approach might not work for everyone, but it feels right for me.

If that resonates with you, maybe it’s time to try it, too.