Dating in Your 30s and 40s as a Divorced Single Mother

I group these two time periods together because they’ve essentially felt the same and posed similar challenges and rewards. The unifying part of this whole situation is that because I’ve already done the family thing. I am not going to match with someone who wants to start their own family.

I’m in a different phase in life now. And while finding someone to have children with might have been a primary factor when I was younger, it’s not now.

The 30s especially are an interesting time because you’re meeting people in totally different stages of their lives even if they’re all relatively similar in age. When we’re in year 12 in high school we’re all doing the same things pretty much but when you get to the big age of 30+ it’s so fascinating how vastly different people end up choosing to live their lives.

Coming out of a divorce at 36, meeting people felt like an entirely different ball game. I had met my now ex-husband when I was 19, so I hadn’t been single at all during my 20s. Times changed drastically, apps were rampant and I was getting used to a whole new stable of terms that describe the confusing maze of modern dating.

I thought I’d share some of my observations around dating at this time so that anyone reading this who might be in the same boat doesn’t feel discouraged or overwhelmed by the thought of meeting new people. It can be tiresome, but overall pretty fun if you keep your wits and good judgement about you.

Here we go…

 

A few of the challenges of dating over 30 and dating over 40:

It’s hard finding the time to meet up with people

There’s a reason that the bar near my place has a singles night on Wednesdays, it’s because for many of us single parents this is our night off when the kids go to their dad’s place. Well, that’s at least the default court arrangement and it seems to be common.

Meeting up for someone on a first date can take a lot more planning than some spontaneous get together like you might have had during university days. The same is probably true of those who aren’t parents yet with job obligations and needing to rest.

You’re still within the age range of the dating pool who might be looking to start a family

If you’re like me and you’re not interested in starting another family with someone, you’ll get to the point where you recognize that you might need to bring this up at the outset. Because a lot of people in this age range are ready yesterday to have started a family.

At this age we’re not usually out socially as much as when we were younger

A lot of people are set in their ways at this age and also have obligations. Your friend group might be full of people who are married and staying in more so you’ll need to seek out more opportunities to get yourself out rather than relying on your original group of friends. Aside from work (let’s not have the convo here about how dating a co-worker poses it’s own challenges), how do we meet people?

Okay, now that I’ve spent some time talking about the challenges I do want to share that there are some interesting benefits of dating on this side of the age spectrum.

A few of the benefits of dating over 30 and dating over 40:

You are extremely attractive to younger men at this age

This was one that took me by surprise. The amount of attention and admiration you’ll get from 28-year-olds when you’re, say, 35 is tremendous. I think it has to do with how confident and independent we appear. Having been in a significant age gap relationship when I was married, it is important to me now to date within a closer age cohort because I really love having a shared pop culture to draw from. But if you want to try dating younger, you’ll likely have a shot.

You’re probably more level-headed than you were at 20

Let’s face it, we felt like we knew everything at that age, but we were babies. You’ve lived life, have seen your share of characters and can draw from a wealth of experience. Having access to this insight as you’re embarking on dating will help you make more sound choices than you might have when you were younger.

You know what you want and what you don’t want

All of your life experience helps inform how you might choose a partner. You know what you need and what you won’t tolerate. Even negative experiences can act as a cautionary tale and model for what you don’t want in a relationship. This becomes especially true when you’re living happily as a single person who has created a life of their own. The more you build a life I love, the less inclined  you are to settle for anything that disrupts it.

Conclusion

Dating in your 30s and 40s as a divorced single mother is certainly not without its challenges, but it also brings unique opportunities and a sense of clarity that’s hard to achieve when you’re younger.