What to do if You’re in an On-Again, Off-Again Relationship

The back-and-forth of an on-again, off-again relationship is wildly exhausting. I know this firsthand, having been in a few of these relationships myself, the most recent of which ended about four years ago.

I like to write about experiences once I’ve had time to process them, because I believe you can’t fully see the story until the dust has settled. While I’m not a therapist, I hope my thoughts and observations about this dynamic might help someone. To be honest, a lot of the writing on my blog is there to serve as a reminder to my future self.

 

The Context Matters

There are some scenarios where multiple chances might feel warranted. Perhaps you share children, or an outside force caused a rift that wasn’t anyone’s fault. Maybe a major life change has reshaped the circumstances.

But this post isn’t about those situations. Instead, I’m referring to relationships that were never truly right from the beginning, where the core of who you are and who they are simply doesn’t align. Trying to make it work feels like forcing a square peg into a round hole.

 

My Own Experience

In my most recent on-again, off-again relationship, I was so immersed in the feeling of being in love that I ignored the glaring incompatibilities. So I get it. The highs were incredible, but they always came with equally crushing lows when I realized my needs weren’t being met.

I often bargained with myself: “Maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe I can live with this.” But every time I started to settle, they’d do something to completely fumble the situation. It felt like the universe was trying to show me, over and over, that peace was not possible here.

Whenever I asked for more time or effort, they would gradually pull away, leaving me distraught. It could have ended there, but just as I’d start to get over them, they’d reappear, reigniting old feelings and pulling me back into the cycle.

I was addicted to the good memories, the rush of positive feelings they brought until the next inevitable fallout. And there was always a next fallout.

 

How It Finally Ended

Eventually, I reached a breaking point. The repeated heartbreaks dulled the good memories until there was nothing left to hold onto.

I won’t pretend it was easy. Each time we got back together, I believed in the relationship less and less because nothing had truly changed. It felt like I was just delaying the inevitable, putting myself through unnecessary pain.

Finally, I accepted that I couldn’t trust them or the relationship to bring me peace. It took at least five breakups, with months in between, before it stuck.

 

Why Did I Stay?

Looking back, I know I stayed because the relationship was meeting some of my needs. The affection, the shared experiences, the fun. Those things were real and wonderful. But they weren’t enough to build a lasting partnership.

The truth is, I was holding onto the idea of what could be, not what actually was. I thought I could change the situation, but the peace I craved only came when I accepted reality.

Today, I’ve found a sense of closure. After a long time apart, my ex and I have a friendship that feels right. This is probably what we should have been the entire time rather than being in a relationship.

 

What I’d Do Differently

If I could go back, I’d make some changes:

  • Start with friendship. Taking time to truly know someone before starting a romantic relationship could save so much heartache. I wrote a blog post about leading with friendship when it comes to romantic relationships if you’re interested.

  • Focus on myself. If I noticed an unhealthy cycle, I’d prioritize my needs and shift my care inward. I only seek outward validation if something within me is unsettled. I’ve noticed enough of my patterns over the years to now look inward if I’m ever in this situation again.

  • Trust my instincts. I’d believe what I saw the first time, instead of hoping things could be different.

I’ve also learned how unkind I was to myself by staying in a cycle that drained me. I wouldn’t do that again. Protecting your heart doesn’t mean closing it off, it means trusting yourself enough to walk away when you know something isn’t right.

 

Watching Friends Go Through It

When I see friends in on-again, off-again relationships, I feel empathy because I understand how hard it is to break free. These relationships often fill an emotional void, even if they don’t bring lasting joy.

If a friend tells me they’re ending things, I’ve learned to hold back my true feelings until I see they’re ready to move on. From experience, the more someone talks about their breakup and goes over every detail, the more likely they are to go back. The opposite of love isn’t hate, after all, it’s indifference.

And if they do reconcile? It’s best to stay quiet. People need to find their own way, even if they are in a bad relationship. The judgment from friends only makes it harder to cut through the noise.

 

Reconnect With Yourself

If you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship, my hope is that you find ways to connect back to yourself. Build your sense of self-worth outside the relationship and trust your instincts.

Next
Next

Practical Advice for Starting Over at Any Stage of Life