What Does Life After Divorce Look Like?

If you can’t quite see through the fog yet, read ahead.

 A few funny things happen when you get divorced and then you start your new life. First, that new life and healing can happen so gradually that you don’t even notice. Second, you start to forget about the most harrowing, stressful parts of your divorce experience and simply move on.

When you are right in the middle, though, it seems to consume every waking moment.

Eventually what was the defining part of your life becomes a mere footnote in the past.

I’m about 7 years removed from the day I asked for split, and the story of my divorce hardly comes up anymore. Parts of it are essential to understand why I live in Australia, when people ask but I’ve come up with a very abridged version that glosses over the dramatics. I’ve processed enough of it that it doesn’t worry me to leave those parts out.

Checking in 4-plus years after the last legal decree was handed down, here’s where I’m at when it comes to different areas of my life:

Career- I love the work I do and have an incredible group of coworkers. After so much uncertainty, starting over, and working remotely, this is such an unexpected delight. I still consider this to be the beginning but it’s a good start.

I know a lot of single mothers would be in the same position of having to start over so just know that it can work out just fine. This goes hand in hand with the financial bit. Even if you feel a little behind, start today. Don’t worry about mistakes from the past, definitely learn from them, but focus on moving forward.

Home- I made a concerted effort to downsize because I decided that I didn’t need the extra pressure of cleaning and keeping up with a large space. I feel like this is a common theme for women. My home is filled with furniture and homewares that I love. I feel at peace here, without the tension that comes with cohabitating with someone who doesn’t share the same values. In my previous life, I barely had a say in what happened in the household, but here I run the show. It’s sometimes daunting, but ultimately I enjoy the freedom of creating a home of my own. It feels welcoming.

Kids- Being fully myself has allowed me to engage with the kids in a meaningful way. It’s refreshing to be able to share music, books and ideas with them. Holidays I still share with their dad which is fine. I’ve taken them on a couple of overseas vacations. They also seem to have a supportive family life with their dad. They’ve adjusted very well to our separate families

Love- I’ve dated, been in a serious relationship, and learned a lot about myself and what I need in a partner. I give myself the care and nurturing that was previously lacking. I’m giving myself the chance to be selfish, self-indulgent and I prioritize my own wellbeing. I’ve created a list of non-negotiable things I need from a partnership. The list is populated and informed by past experience and from what I learned about myself over the last few years. I regularly share it with my friends, not only for a laugh, but also to see if they’d add anything. At the end of the day, it really just describes a kind person who shares some of the same interests I do.

Travel- I’ve been fortunate enough to take solo trips to so many destinations I could have never imagined traveling to. This is especially meaningful because my ex was an avid traveler before he met me. Previously, looking through all his photos, I’d see numerous destinations we’d probably never go to together because he’d already been. He’s not one to revisit and waste money on a place he’s already seen. I’ve since gone to those places and more, creating wonderful memories, and doing it on my own terms. Again, freedom.

The Future- In some ways it seems strange to be steering the ship by myself, I used to rely on others to help make decisions for me and I would go along with what they determined was best. But I listen to my own instincts now and I’m excited (and sometimes scared) to think about what I can do with my life.

I genuinely believe every aspect of my life has been better since the divorce. Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of ups and downs, but I was determined to create a life I could be proud of.

What do you imagine for your life after divorce?

I always found it to be helpful to imagine the kind of life that I was fighting for. Whether that was through vision boards, journal entries, daydreaming, or sharing ideas with supportive friends. I encourage you to do the same.

What do you imagine the above areas of your life will look like in the future?

What possibilities exist now that you’re creating a new life for yourself?

What big, inspiring dreams do you have for yourself?

If you’re in a spot right now where it seems like you’re impossibly far from the life that you want for yourself, don’t worry. All you have to do is take the next step.