Have You Been a ‘Married Single Mother’?

Were you ‘married single mother’ in your relationship?

If you aren’t yet familiar with the term, it refers to women who have a marriage/relationship dynamic where they have an unequal load of the child-rearing, housework, and sometimes financial burden. They’re doing it nearly on their own AND also look after the wellbeing of their husband or partner.

I didn’t realize this was an actual term until I discovered I was one. My light bulb moment happened during the first year of moving out of the marital home.

This blog post is about how disappointing it can be to discover you were a single mother all along, and some of the unusual upsides of having lived with this arrangement.

How I discovered I was a married single mother

I remember the very first Christmas season that the kids and I were at our apartment by ourselves. I was concerned because I wanted to make it special for them; it would set the tone for how I would be as a parent. I put the tree up, strung the lights, placed the ornaments carefully on the tree and stepped back in satisfaction thinking about how easy it was to do that.

On Christmas eve, I placed the neatly wrapped presents under the tree that I had hidden for a few weeks in my suitcases and in the silence of that evening, while the kids were asleep I had an odd feeling about the whole situation.

I completed Christmas on my own. It was easy.

Actually, I did the same things I always did.

And then it dawned on me, there has never been a time when I haven’t done this on my own. Even when I was married.

It was then that I realized I was a single mother all along.

The inequality of household and family duties

I took charge of the holidays, planned what to eat, shopped for groceries, did the school drop off, the cleaning (well, as much as I could), entertaining, basically all the things that make a house a home. And I did it while working in the family business.

The mental load was real.

Knowing when supply levels of toilet paper were low, where the bandages and first aid kit were, the medical records of our kids and when their appointments were.

But the sheer complexity of the home management wasn’t the worst part, it was the lack of support offered.

It was one thing to accept that I’d be parenting mostly alone, it was another to also look after the many needs of this other fully-grown person who was supposed to be my spouse.

You might be wondering if he did things around the house? Yes.

What were they?

Mostly the yardwork that would take a whole weekend (which we could easily pay someone else to do, and frankly do a better job). I’ve since moved to a place that requires no yardwork.

He also supported the family financially, which is a big contribution.

However, I will argue till the day I die that he would be doing exactly that anyway even if he didn’t have a family.

And to be clear, if you are a spouse to someone like this you are no doubt supporting their ability to make money so let’s not unequally weight the ‘working’ spouse’s contribution.

I’m certain I could never be in that kind of arrangement again.

You might be or have been a married single mother if:

You now find that functioning post-divorce is easier.

You are the sole person that the kids go to if they need help or consoling.

Your primary emotional support system was and always has been your friends and family.

Your partner was a workaholic or had a hobby that kept them away from the home often and by their own choosing.

The main, and possibly only contribution, your partner made to the home was monetary.

How partnership and roles at home are changing

Once upon a time, the above scenario was the accepted norm in society. We’d laugh about how unhelpful or childlike a husband might be on the weekly TV sitcom as though it was just an inevitable part of marriage.

If you’ve lived this scenario you can see why this dynamic was the butt of jokes because if we didn’t laugh, we’d cry or perhaps rightfully get angry about it.

It’s heartening to see women on social media becoming wiser as to why it’s best to avoid this. That this doesn’t have to be how a home is run. And it’s especially hopeful that a lot of men in younger generations are growing up and being more involved in sharing the emotional and mental load of the house.

Because if we think that the man’s role is and only needs to be financial support, think about how much ‘housework’ is left for the other partner.

I would consider a fulfilling home life to include:

-          Financial support

-          Emotional intimacy and acknowledgement

-          Cleaning and keeping a healthy environment

-          Entertaining and keeping social ties

-          Teaching and learning

-          Nurturing and care

-          Fun and creative living

-          Spiritual needs and encouragement

In your home, you can define what would make a fulfilling home life and I do hope you consider how much someone can contribute to this if you desire to find a healthy partnership.

The upside is, you’ve been training all along

If you have been a married single mother, I’m happy to tell you that life after divorce could possibly be easier. You’re used to doing most of the toughest work without additional help. If the ex is still in the kids’ lives as a trusted co-parent, then you’ve hit the single mother lottery.

This isn’t to diminish the real difficulties that single mothers can often face, just some hopeful encouragement if you’re wondering how you’ll get along post-divorce.

You can do this. You’ve been doing this.

In my experience, the freedom to completely focus on the children while fully being myself was a wonderful change. I hope that you find a way to shine through in this time as well.