Week 4 of Separation and Divorce

A journal excerpt from the fourth week of getting a divorce. For some context, I was visiting my family in California when, out of necessity, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I had always planned to do it in person. A few weeks later I was on the plane back to our home in Australia and these were some of my initial reflections during that time. A lot had already shifted emotionally since that first week for me but I had no idea what it would be like to return and not have the support of my family.

(written June 2016)

Week 4

Took the 14-hour long haul flight back home and thankfully it was one of the easiest I had ever done…and I had a baby with me. That was a pleasant surprise. She slept 10 hours and I was able to get rest as well. I think avoiding caffeine and drinking tons of water earlier in the day helped keep me feeling well.  On the flight, I also ate very light and had little hits of sugar here and there when I felt I needed it. (cinnamon roll)

The climate in the house is very calm right now. The first thing I did when I got home was start unpacking my bags and set up a room in the second master bedroom. There are a lot of things I like about having complete say over how I arrange my room. It reminds me of the anecdote in “Stronger, Faster, Better” where the author cites the people in the nursing home who do well are the ones that assert themselves and move around the furniture.  Those people who feel that they are in control of a situation seem to thrive more in their surroundings, while others succumb to the circumstances more quickly deteriorate. So I’ve learned how necessary it is to assert myself.

Back in California, the last few days before I left were surprisingly calm and I wasn’t in a rush to do everything. My sister and I went to the gym a few times and I bided my time by taking my time packing.  It’s usually such a rushed effort but it was nice this time to consider what I wanted to bring and what I was hopeful to see again once I returned. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much would change in the next few months and on my mind is always what I’m going to do for meaningful work. But I’m lucky to have the support of my family and focus on my emotional well-being so I don’t just go and make the same mistakes again.

On the last day, I told my sister that I planned on laying down for a lot of it because I knew I would be sitting upright on the 14-hour flight and walking around airports with Sahara.

We watched several episodes of Scandal and enjoyed some leftovers from the previous day. And she was sweet enough to go to the grocery store and grab a couple of donuts that I was craving. I’m excited to catch the rest of the episode when I’m back in November (fingers crossed).

Emotional stability has come at a nice time.  I’m much less worried about everything that has been swirling in my head and although time is helping that, and the necessity of getting on with life, I also think the focus on myself and what I need to do is incredibly helpful.  I’m not trying to anticipate other people or worry about what they will think of me.  I’m doing what I perceive to be the best move for me right now.

Physically, I’m turning to pay more attention to my health. It’s the best way I can uphold my general well-being and I am planning on beginning an exercise regimen again.  That’s my main focus for the coming week.

Also, I’m taking this time early in the morning to work on writing….nothing in particular but practice different ways of writing if I am going to really make an effort to see if I could freelance at all. I need to put in the hours, find my style, my voice.