Practical Advice for Separation Under the Same Roof
As with all of the topics on this blog, none if this is legal advice and I am not a lawyer. I’m simply bringing up the experiences that I had along the way and urging you to seek out professional information where it may be applicable to you. But at least you’ll have an idea of the questions you might need to be asking.
What is Separation Under the Same Roof?
In layman’s terms it’s a period of time where you are no longer in a relationship with your partner but still living in the same household.
You’ll want to look into what the requirements are for your state of residence so that your separation ‘counts.’ For example, it might stipulate you do not share accounts, do not engage in a physical relationship, and that it is public knowledge among your social circles and family that you are no longer together despite living in the same household.
I know, it sounds kind of invasive. I think the intent of this is to ensure that people are really certain that they do want to split and aren’t waffling back and forth.
Why is the Separation Date Important?
Depending on where you live, an official date of separation can impact various parts of your divorce. In a state like mine, you are required to show that you and your spouse have been separated for a period of 12 months before you can apply for divorce. Additionally, the date of separation may act as the official marker used to determine how the property settlement split will go. It can also have a financial impact when it comes to social support payments you receive from the government.
My Experience Separating Under the Same Roof
Separating under the same roof was a significant part of my divorce process and lasted about 18 months. I had told my partner when I was overseas that I wanted a divorce and there was some awkwardness about figuring out the logistics of him picking me and our daughter up from the airport when I returned (I honestly can’t even remember it but am thankful it all went smoothly. I’ll give credit to him where it’s due.)
Early on, I knew that staying in the same house made a lot of sense. One, because we both needed to spend a lot of time with our 1-year-old as she was growing, and two, because I had hardly any access to money and wasn’t in a position to be on my own.
Getting Settled
As soon as we arrived home I got to the business of setting up the second master bedroom for myself. I was extremely lucky to be in a situation where I could have another comfortable room available to me. Although it was furnished with a lot of the leftover pieces in the house, it was a space that was such a comfort to me in the year that followed while we were still living in close quarters.
During that time, I would sleep very early to avoid the ‘night owl’ tendencies of my partner and spend a lot of time peacefully reading and researching what I was going to do with the rest of my life.
Annoyances of Separation Under the Same Roof
Although it might sound like you’re still super involved in each other’s lives, that wasn’t my experience and I don’t think it needs to be. I felt a freedom in being there and knowing I didn’t have to take orders or listen to what the other person had to say since I was beginning to live my own life (although in close proximity.)
The occasional emotional outburst or tirade from a frustrated partner who has you as a captive audience in the house was an annoyance but knowing there was an eventual end somehow made this more tolerable. More on this later when I get to the part about taking notes and record-keeping of all interactions.
Should you find yourself separating under the same roof, my advice based on my personal experience would be to:
Find out the laws in your country and state to see what the divorce requirements are and what is accepted as being separated under one roof.
Stay out of the way, don’t worry about what the other person is doing, if they’re dating, or what kind of plans are happening in the background. I cannot say this enough, but you need to focus on your own game plan. Trying to get clues about what is happening on their end is a recipe for madness and paranoia.
Create a comforting space for yourself, no matter how small. Maybe it’s a little corner of your desk with a beautiful candle and plant. Even better, create a little reading nook or place for your kids to relax that will allow them a safe space with you as well.
Know that it will not last forever, you’ve already lived with this person for x number of years, and you can manage this last one.
Keep a routine that both of you can manage. Especially if you have children, maybe one parent has morning duties and the other has night duties. You’re working together, but separate.
Avoid conflicts in front of the kids.