Week 3 of Separation and Divorce

In case someone is wondering what the personal part of this process looks like I thought I'd post some journal entries here, from that period of time. Maybe you can relate, maybe your situation looks totally different while getting a divorce. The early weeks are so emotional and so many thoughts are swirling around, as you’ll see below.

(written June 2016)

Week 3

Monday

I believe this is the week that the adrenaline of having made the decision to get a divorce and having spoken it aloud is beginning to wear off.

Each day seems to be a new challenge but I know I’m accumulating new skills each time I attempt to navigate the hours of the day.

There are plenty of aspects of my life that I want to improve but a huge underlying theme is building genuine self-confidence.  It’s easy to say to yourself that you are confident and even fake your way to be seen as confident but feeling it deep down is an entirely different thing.  I’m sure I’ll be working on different exercises to process all of that but ultimately I think it’s going to have to do with facing everything I haven’t wanted to.

One way in which I have noticed progress in the last few years is the disappearance of a recurring dream I used to have. It would sometimes show up as school, often in fact, and the basic premise was that I had completely forgotten to study or go to an entire course that was essential to my graduation. It always left me with the feeling of being unprepared or being a fraud.  That I didn’t belong or that I would be found out for what I was.

I even recall days in my life when I was consciously feeling so full of energy and confidence after accomplishing something and like clockwork, that dream would pop up and I would be immediately be brought back to the ground knowing deep down I wasn’t where I needed to be…no matter how much I was trying to convince myself.

So when people tell me that I’m the strongest or smartest woman they know It strikes me as odd or catches me off guard sometimes.  And I also think how lucky I am that I’m around friends that try to show me that.

But I need to cultivate that for myself.

In general, I have been crying and emotional but still acknowledging that I have to keep things moving.  It’s a ‘restless lethargy’ as I’ve heard it described before.  A feeling of exhaustion and wanting to rest but also not wanting to rest for fear of the noise that will consume your mind.  Items will remind you of past memories constantly.  I have felt this type of feeling before (I would argue most strongly) during my adolescent years when emotions are incredibly high.  I can only think back to that younger version of myself and feel soft-hearted and kind toward her.  It’s so tough to go through and pretty much everyone does.

**To me this divorce is a breakup, a new beginning, a time to step into my own. I recognize that there are so many lessons within this process that mirror the same path that my own daughter will experience one day.  Although I’m 34 at the moment there are similar experiences that I had when I was a teenager and again in my 20’s.  I wish I had some advice back then that could constructively walk me through what I would be experiencing and also help me work through effective processes that would rebuild what I thought was lost into something even better.

I was struck by the book “Women Food and God” I remember ages ago reading it and remembering her passage about how she had a different understanding of happiness and it wasn’t attached to certain places or things but had everything to do with her own contentment.  The thought that she was unhappy in a field of flowers in the south of France and yet found happiness at the side of her father’s deathbed was beautifully illustrative.

In my own filter of sadness I have been able to take a moment and feel grateful for a few experiences in which I felt sheltered from the circumstances around me.  I recall at one point sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and seeing her feed my daughter blueberries and thinking how lucky I am to be sitting here in this moment (although my eyes were swollen from having cried half of the day).  On another day during the week my dad and I were at a mall food court each with our own ice cream cone. These are the experiences that I’ve missed, this is what I’m going through all of this pain for- to make things right again.

Tuesday

I had such a beautiful, loving dream last night where I was trying to get through to a young woman who was working the streets. Many of the things that I was saying to her were things that I have likely been saying to myself in order to forgive myself and be kinder for past mistakes I’ve made out of fear. In the dream I was working with a very experienced team.

In another segment of the dream I was with my mom and a group of people and we were watching my daughter dance to some music.

I woke to an email notification and was shook awake again by remembering that huge changes are happening in my life…things are entirely different than the relative comfort of the last decade or so.  It’s a familiar scenario each morning.

The first immediate feeling is a remembrance of my loss.  Each morning I have to reaccept this.

Having gone through a brief pre-baby depression I know the first thing for me to do is just get up and get going.  Don’t linger in bed, the inertia of deep thoughts can get carried away so it’s better to allow the rhythm of the day lead me through.

I have tried and trusted routines so I can work on autopilot and use whatever energy I have to manage those times I need to gently steer myself back.

The mornings are the intention of the day while the evenings are for really dreaming big and allowing myself to be hopeful.

I have so many fears wondering what I’m going to do for work.  Much of my own identity had to do with working with my husband.  I want to immediately start honing my skills and get out there to help with my confidence but I have a young child and so part of me understands that this is such a short period of time and I don’t know if I will have any other children so I should enjoy this experience of being able to watch her and spend time with her before she goes to school.

Writing and keeping this project organized is helping me feel like I’m still developing skills.  If nothing else I’m working through this process and also leaving a trail of advice that may come in use for my kids later…perhaps even me should I ever go through a process like this again (yikes).

Wednesday

One thing that I can unequivocally say that I am good at is maintaining and nurturing relationships.  It’s been really helpful to have a wide base of genuine relationships that I can circle back to.

Today was very long as I assume most days will be during this time.

After the walk I did foam rolling, then spent some time with my mom and the baby and napped on the couch while she was walking around.  She would often try walking to me.  This rest was comforting because it wasn’t complete silence and having the the people and noise from the TV was a helpful distraction to my wandering mind.

Then we went out for lunch and a long walk.

Around 2pm when we got back to the house I sat down to write/type on my computer.  Mom and I went to Ranch 99 Market and I came home and did some additional work trying to clean out my old inbox.

Then the rest of the day passed.

I did finish by returning emails from my newest contacts and now I’m here.

I described this period as being in a fog I’m walking through it , not sure of what’s on the other side but I generally feel that I’m finally headed in the right direction.

For this evening, I want to think about myself and the picture of me physically very well and basking in the warm glow of the California sun.  I want the satisfaction of seeing the kids with my family and us all together in the house.

I want to take my son to a play.

I want to go out in the city with friends and travel occasionally.

I want to go to meetings and pitch ideas.

I want things I don’t yet even know I want yet.

I want the best life has to offer.

Thursday

At this point, my feelings reside deep in the bottom of my stomach.  I have to make an effort to smile.  I feel deep gratitude for life and the opportunity to make a change but the weight of life feels heavier than usual and the exercise of walking through life is exhausting.

I’m going to exercise now.

Before I do that though I want to remember and visualize how I will look and feel in a year.  I figure at some point I’ll make it through this fog.

It’s a part of life- re-engaging that I can’t imagine at the moment but speaking to people does eventually happen apparently.

So my intention for the day is to spend time with my sister and really enjoy that.

My mom’s advice to me is to be strong and now allow myself to spiral down into a worse depression.  I see her point.  I still feel I need to really accept and invite my emotions as another friend has encouraged in the past but I can see my mom’s point.  She has gone through so much in her life and never had the luxury of stopping life to nurture herself.  And at the same time, she says I should enjoy that I’m in the position of having financial and emotional support.

I see mattress commercials on TV and I think one day it will be nice to shop as a couple- one day, and with someone I am really in love with.

I’m surprised at how hopeful I am about that.  I think before I never thought I deserved or could find that.  That really hoping for something would lead to disappointment. But I’ll say it, I want love…the real thing this time.