The Obvious Red Flags I Missed Before Marriage

Before I got married, there were warning signs - red flags that I see so clearly now but didn’t recognize at the time. Some were about my former partner, but many were about me. This isn’t a post about placing blame. But I want to acknowledge and share the ways I overlooked my own needs and desires in favor of what seemed like the next logical step.

I Was With Someone Who Let Me Act Against My Own Best Interests

I’m the quintessential eldest daughter—highly capable, independent, and used to taking care of things myself. When I was dating my future husband, I was so focused on his needs that I completely neglected my own. I looked at him and thought, I can take care of him, and that was it.

I sacrificed some of the most crucial years of my early career to work in his business and be a stay at home mom at the same time, not thinking about what that meant for my future. A true partner wouldn’t be okay with me giving up so much without considering how it might leave me vulnerable. Even if I was willing to do it, someone who really cared about my well-being should have encouraged me to think long-term and make decisions that benefited both of us.

The Dress and the Vows Weren’t Important to Me

Looking back, it’s clear that I was going through the motions. I had never been the type to dream about weddings, and I hadn’t even been sure I would ever want to get married. When I finally did, I figured that just wanting to do it meant I was making the right choice.

I bought a $200 dress on my first shopping trip, alone, and didn’t take the time to write personal vows. This wasn’t about romance for me, even though I might have convinced myself otherwise at the time. It was more about security. I realize now that I was emotionally guarded and comforted by the idea of something practical rather than deeply sentimental. That version of me preferred things to be matter-of-fact.

I’m completely different these days. I’d spend twice as much on a dress to celebrate my birthday each year. There is much more personal meaning that I bring to my life and relationships now that I’m older and know myself better.

It Seemed Like the Next Right Step

Marriage isn’t something you should do just because it seems like the natural next step. Yet, that’s exactly what I did.

I got married a week after turning 22. My ex-husband was nearly two decades older than me, and I let his age and life timeline influence mine. I didn’t stop to think about what I truly wanted at that stage in my life. If I had taken more time, I might have realized that I was too young and still figuring out who I was. If he understood human nature he’d know I was too young and there would always be a risk that I grew up and changed over the years…which is exactly what happened. It really wasn’t hard to predict.

Misreading a Grand Gesture

He proposed with a big, expensive ring, and I took that as a sign of his deep love and commitment. But now, I question whether it was more about making me feel like I should be grateful. I can’t say for sure what his intention was, but I do know how it made me feel—like I needed to stay in line, to believe that this was as good as it gets. I had been conditioned, in a way, to accept grand gestures as proof of love rather than looking at the everyday actions that truly define a partnership. Again, my bad.

My Friends and Family Didn’t Know Him Well

When someone you love isn’t well integrated into your life, that’s a sign. My friends and family met him only a handful of times before we got engaged, and that wasn’t an accident. I kept things behind closed doors, whether consciously or subconsciously. I wasn’t eager to blend my worlds because deep down, I knew something wasn’t quite right.

Conclusion

I don’t regret my past, but I do wish I had been able to recognize these signs for what they were. I see now that the biggest red flags were in me—in the ways I put myself second, in the way I convinced myself that I was making choices for the right reasons when I really wasn’t.

If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I wouldn’t tell her not to get married—I’d tell her to ask herself harder questions, if nothing else to at least wait. To make sure she wasn’t just moving forward because it was expected. To pay attention to how she felt instead of focusing on what she thought was right.