Setting Up a New Home After Divorce

Living by yourself after having spent years in a partnership can be quite the adjustment. Whether you have remained in the marital home, or moved out like I did, creating a refreshed space for yourself can be an important part of the healing process.

The Start of Something New

Getting the keys to a new place was one of those moments that felt like the start of something new and exciting. I had signed a lease and picked up the keys about a month before I was set to move it. It gave me time to order furniture, pick up basic homewares, and have the beds and TV delivered. I also was able to quietly move some of my clothing and possessions from the marital home throughout the weeks that followed.

It was a scary moment when I was standing at the cash register at the furniture store about to pay for thousands of dollars’ worth of furniture with my freshly minted credit card. Previously, I had never, ever made a purchase on a credit card that I didn’t intend to pay off that month. This was unchartered territory for me and as there was an eventual settlement it was a calculated risk, but it felt so daunting.

This is the beginning of a lot of choices you’ll be making.

It might seem frivolous to have spent money on furniture for a temporary rental (I honestly did not have any idea how long I would be living there, and it was dependent on how long family court took) but I was adamant to make sure that my kids felt they had a home.

My Biggest Concern About Moving Out of the Marital Home

By far, the biggest thing that weighed on my mind was how the kids would feel about living in a more cramped space. The marital home was extremely traditional, there was even a white picket fence. Where I was asking them to move was much more modern, required a lift/elevator to get to our floor and rather than lots of living areas we had one small combined kitchen/living area.

The obvious benefits that I could see to our new place that the old one didn’t afford were the new schools they could attend, being within easy walking distance to shops and restaurants, not having to care for a yard, and a lower cost of living and utilities which meant more money was freed up for fun things.

The reason that this decision and how it would look and feel in practice was so important to me is because I understood this was the first time that my decision to separate and divorce would be apparent to the kids. The life that I was creating for them with this new space was my offer to them of how much better our lives could be if I was the one calling the shots and making the decisions. I needed them to trust me, to feel assured that I knew what I was doing. My state of mind and ability to demonstrate that I had a concrete plan was worth the debt I carried on my credit card to make our place feel cozy.

I was fortunate to have the means and ability to do this in a dramatic way. Whatever you are working with, there are creative ways to make a home of your own.

Think of yourself as the set director of the movie of your life. What do you want your surroundings to feel like for you and your children if they are living with you? This is your chance to rebuild your life after a breakup/divorce.

Tips for Setting Up a Home for Yourself

Clear Out the Old

It’s hard to create a new life for yourself if you’ve got constant reminders about your old life. This is obviously easier if you are the one moving to a new space.

If nothing else, and if your budget allows, getting a new mattress or at least new bedding is a way to feel like you are having a fresh start. The bedroom is such a symbolic part of a marital home. Inviting new energy into this space is great for marking a new life.

Going through your old mementos and photos might be a good idea at this stage as well since you don’t really want to inadvertently carry unwanted memories with you into your new life. Regarding the wedding photos or photos of me and my ex, there are a few that I kept that I thought our kids might like to have one day. Out of respect that that is their father I have not totally removed all evidence of him, but I also don’t have it out prominently. It’s tucked into a small box of photos that I’ll give to the kids one day.

Display Items that Reflect Your Style

Now that you don’t need to compromise with someone about home décor, feel free to express your own vision of what you want your home to look like. How exciting is it that you have the final say in what goes where in your home?

For example, I have an ungodly number of books. There are (organized) stacks and stacks of books in the wardrobe area of my room. But I love living this way and having these references at my fingertips. It is an absolute luxury that I take advantage of because I don’t need to accommodate a whole other person’s clothing storage needs.

Maybe one day you’ll want to cohabitate with someone else again, enjoy this novel time while it’s there.