Separate Celebrations

Celebrations and holidays throughout the year are some of the most memorable times you’ll have with your children as they are growing up. A divorce can complicate matters since it then becomes the responsibility of the co-parents to decide who is going to spend time with the kids when. This will likely start for you even before the divorce is finalized or even before you are physically separated at different residences.

In terms of my view of the holidays, I enjoy having rituals and traditions with the kids and I also know that I have the capability to create something special for them whenever I want to. For this reason, I allow their less-creative father (totally not a dig, just my perception) to generally have them on the major holidays because I sense he needs that little extra excitement of the ACTUAL holiday date. At my house, Christmas is whenever I say it is and I act and plan something special accordingly. Creating that magic is a skill of mine 😊, and probably most mothers.

Short of a future wedding or graduation (where there won’t be a chance to do a separate version) I’ve chosen not to plan join events with my ex for the children. Without going into all the reasons, it just doesn’t suit the situation.

Here are some considerations that I’ve found helpful when working together with my ex to sort out the holiday schedule:

What is in the best interests of the children?

Notice I didn’t say, what do the children want. They may want you to both be in the room together, but you as the adult know that there is a high incidence of conflict or drama if that happens. Ultimately, not being in the same room would be better for the child’s celebration.

Being able to create memories with both parents IS probably something that would be in their best interest. So, for example during a holiday like Christmas, maybe one parent gets them in the morning and the other has them for a Christmas lunch to celebrate the rest of the day. But that only really works if you live somewhat close to one another. If it takes 2 hours to get to the other parent’s home, then the kids might be bored out of their minds sitting in traffic on what is supposed to be a celebratory day. Probably to the memories you want on that particular day. Alternating or negotiating which full days to have them might be better in this case.

Remain Flexible to New Traditions and Celebrations

After a divorce you are creating a whole new family unit of yourself and your kids, so why not have new traditions? As I mentioned before, I didn’t particularly want to fight over holidays so there is a lot of flexibility for me as far as my ex asking for time with the kids for special days like Easter or Thanksgiving. One holiday that Iove is Halloween and that’s the one that I give my focus and attention to for them. Every year we dress up and go to a Halloween celebration put on by one of the local theme parks and it’s something that they and I look forward to every year. With that being said, their dad is always the one that takes them trick-or-treating on the actual Halloween night, which suits me just fine. This is one way we have successfully created our own holiday traditions around the same celebration without stepping on each other’s toes. With so many different occasions throughout the year you’ll want to pick the ones that are the most important to you and try to be flexible around the rest.

If It is Really Important to You, Discuss it Far in Advance

If you want to plan something important for the kids, text or email the other parent far in advance to let them know what you intend so that they do not also accidentally plan something that day, particularly if it is a day that they would normally have them. Hopefully, both you and your ex will respect each other’s right to spend time with the kids on the days that matter most. And it helps to have written agreement far in advance, so you are both on the same page…and unfortunately, also if things go pear-shaped and eventually you must show a record of poor co-parenting to the family court, etc. But let’s focus on the positive for right now and assume it will be smooth.

If All Else Fails, Stick to The Distribution of Time as Outlined in Your Court Order

Ideally, you’ll be able to have some flexibility with each other when it comes to sharing time with the kids. If that becomes difficult to do you can always fall back on the court mandated schedule and work around that. This has been the general idea with my ex-partner. Even if we have a set schedule agreed upon by us that deviates from the order, I feel better keeping the existing order in place. I mean, why go through the hassle of involving lawyers to amend your order if it’s working fine between the two of you currently.

A Note About Spending Holidays Alone

I understand that there are people that may feel quite lonely when the kids are not around for the usual holidays. One of the most fun things I’ve done after dropping my kids off with their dad after Christmas morning has been to then pop into all the other holiday get-togethers with close friends. My friends knew my situation and the door was open for me to say hi and make an appearance. It was a great reminder of the social support I have.

At other times I have also thoroughly enjoyed a luxurious day to myself either reading a book, cleaning out mementos, or even just binging Netflix with some fun holiday snacks.

One thing that I have appreciated greatly about divorce and the transformation it had on my life was that it really asked me to question which of the events and traditions were important enough to dedicate my time to, and which ones I shouldn’t stress about. In a lot of ways, it has made the memories I have with my own kids less about doing things because they’re the way we’ve always done them and more about figuring out what will be the most meaningful. I hope you take this time as an opportunity to re-evaluate what means the most to you as well.