Learning How to Move On After Divorce

Divorce is one of those interesting subjects that depending on who you speak to, their advice is usually wholly based on how they experienced the process. You will meet so many people, from those who are visibly distraught at the thought of something that happened 10 years ago, to people who are in wonderful spirits a couple of years after the split.

There are a lot of different variables that play into this but I would guess that a big part of how someone is able to look back at what happened and how it influences their current feelings is how much they are holding on to.

This ‘holding on’ could be to a number of things…the love of your life, the idea of a nuclear family, a desire for some form of retribution or justice.

We use the term to refer to holding a thought in your head, but the idea is even more powerful when you use an analogy that relates in physical terms.

Imagine you are holding on to a tree or some other object stuck in place in the ground. If you refuse to let go of this, you’re not going anywhere.

You literally will not be able to move forward.

This is how I imagine the effect of holding on to ideas that are not relevant to your situation any longer. You might wish they would go back to how they were. You don’t want to budge. This might seem like a plausible solution— to wait it out until the problem resolves itself.

And yet your separation, divorce, and property settlement are finalized.

Now what?

Will you choose to stay in a holding pattern, waiting for the pieces to assemble into an outdated (and btw non-workable past formation)?

Or will you decide that it’s time to move forward?

Why is it so Hard to Move On from a Divorce?

Fear of the unknown can be very strong for some people.

It’s not anything to be embarrassed or feel bad about.

I have a certainty that by the time you’ve gotten to this part of the divorce timeline you have already made some very courageous steps.

Even if you are at the beginning of your journey or contemplating changing your situation, facing the reality is a brave step. This is no small feat, and I hope you give yourself credit for even the tiniest of baby steps.

It's a cliché but you are stronger than you think you are.

How Do I Move On From Someone Who Was the Love of My Life?

I have a question. Who decided that they were the love of your life?

The language we use, whether knowingly or unknowingly, influences how we understand a story.

It might be more accurate to say, ‘…someone I previously believed to be the love of my life.’

You see the difference? This new phrase recognizes that the story that you had been living was based on knowledge you had before but is not a relevant view now that circumstances have changed.

You thought they were, but you now see they’re not.

Or even if you still haven’t fully accepted this outcome, you are leaving room for the possibility that it is true that they are not, in fact, the love of your life you had imagined.

This delicate process of undoing the old narrative you had in your mind about your relationship takes time.

And you may go through this type of exercise over and over again in the months ahead but eventually your pattern will change if you are diligent about wanting to really see things for what they are.

How Do I Let Go of the Idea of a Nuclear Family?

This is not a particular issue that I had but I have known others who really struggled with the idea of breaking up a nuclear family.

From my perspective, if the partners are not functioning well together and are constantly arguing or have animosity for each other, this is not a working family.

You may all live under the same roof still and pose for family photos but you’re already part of a ‘broken home.’ The part about this I find especially concerning is that this will be the model of what children will understand to be what a family should be like— completely unhappy but forced to be together.

I personally believe that children are better off learning that they can remove themselves from situations that are unhealthy for them.

How Do I Get Over the Judgement That Didn’t Go My Way?

You might have thought the result was unfair, that justice didn’t get served, that the other person got away with a lot.

IF there are material things that you genuinely have grievances about, definitely ask your lawyer about what the chances are of challenging anything. If not immediately, then down the road.

The tough pill to swallow here is that in order to start moving on from something you need to accept what happened.

You might have wanted a specific outcome and didn’t get it. That’s life.

My own thoughts about bouncing back after this is to think about what opportunities have now opened up in front of me. Now that the outcome I wanted is not possible, what is possible with this new set of circumstances?

All the above scenarios are ones where people can get really stuck. They can take time to get over or move on from, and that’s natural.

My hope for you is that you get to move forward when you’re ready and get beyond these issues. You’ll likely find that the thing that are meant for you are on the other side of these challenges.