How to Manage the First Week of Separation and Divorce

One of the ways that I cope with my stress is to write. And thankfully, that has proven enormously helpful in me being able to clearly look back and see how much I’ve grown…I also hope it provides some solace that things can change and evolve no matter where you are in the process. These are some of the little breadcrumbs I left myself. I know our brains (at least my brain) is so good at pushing aside difficult things, but I didn’t want to lose the lessons I learned along the way.

(originally written for me by me on June 28, 2016)

Divorce Week 1

Told him, over the phone. I know that sounds harsh but it was necessary.  I had a short bullet-point of notes and I read just about every internet post on how to tell someone. (Although none of them mentioned doing it over the phone so I just assumed it would be the same protocol).

The main takeaway from every article was that in order to make it clear that you are serious you need to ensure that you do not spiral into another argument or blame game.  Be calm, express your desire to separate/divorce, and do not talk about specifics regarding custody or finances in this talk.  Keep it more brief.  There will be plenty of opportunities to talk about things down the road and perhaps they will not be appropriate to talk with your spouse directly with. In some cases, the specifics are best left to the lawyers.

There was a huge sense of relief after it was all revealed.

I recounted the story to my close friends, got the support of my family, and a general enthusiasm that I had finally taken the step.

This was also the week I decided I needed a divorce capsule wardrobe. It might sound frivolous but for me, grooming and appearance and ensuring those are fine are important especially when you feel terrible and are in an emotional ringer.

In my mind, all of my surroundings need to be as uncomplicated as possible because everything else is going to be furiously swirling around me.

So much I wanted to plan.

So much exercise I needed to do.  I began to feel like I needed it first thing in the morning because I had so much pent-up anxious energy upon waking. It was nice to go out the door and just walk and let my mind wander onto nothing.

In my state of residence, there is a 12-month separation requirement and so at least I have a date to look toward as a goal. At the same time, I know that I shouldn’t just put my life on hold.  This time of pain and discomfort has the unusual potential to create great growth. All the days, ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ make up our life and we really shouldn’t wish any of that time away.  And I certainly won’t be doing that with my next year.

Oh, and you’re going to be reading a lot of internet articles on just about every subject specific to you.  Just keep a timer on it.

Suggestions for Week 1:

If you can, take the time to sulk for as many days in a row as you want during this week.

Physical: schedule a walk outside by yourself or schedule a workout class with an instructor who is incredibly upbeat (the energy is infectious)

Mental: Write down three things that you want to finish today, your mind will be wandering so much that the list will bring you back and help you focus

Emotional: Cry it out…enough said.