How to Tell the Kids About the Divorce

I had a 10-year-old and a 1-year-old at the time that this all happened and in an ideal world I would have been there with their dad and together we would have told them what was happening.

I wasn’t given that chance.

Given the amount of arguing that was happening during the months leading up to this event I doubt that the eldest was surprised but I knew that there was a period of adjustment he would need to go through. And although the youngest wasn’t yet old enough to understand what was happening it didn’t save me from the repeated questions throughout the years about why our family was broken.

From the moment we split, in my case, I knew the kids would be dealing with two competing versions of reality. And the most important thing to me was to provide them as much security and reassurance as possible on my end that things would be okay.

How to tell your children you’re separating

I can tell you how I WOULD have liked that to have gone.

First, I would have planned the things I was going to say with my ex. In a less heightened situation where both people are putting the concerns of the children first, I believe it makes a lot of sense to show a united front about what is going to happen.

I would have shared the news together without going into the detail of why or blaming. Nothing more than us not being able agree and arguing all of the time, trying to work it out, and ultimately deciding it would be a healthier environment for them to grow up in if we were not together, etc.

I would have then let them know about the living arrangements and what that would look like in the next week, months, however far in advance you’re able to plan in your circumstances.

Again, as I mentioned before in the 3 most important pieces of divorce advice blog post that I wrote, my north star was the wellbeing of the children. It’s not an easy task if you are the only co-parent who prioritizes in this manner, but there’s a reason that you’re separating and if you were like me this is a moment where you begin asserting the type of life and parenting style that feels right to you.

Don’t Worry About Being the Villain of the Story

I have a strong belief that what you say to the kids is important, but after that it has to be backed up with actions that help them maintain that trust in you and what you’re doing. There might be times where you have to make decisions that make you appear to be the villain, but over time, if you’re doing right by people as the saying goes, ‘it will all come out in the wash.’

Children are very switched on. The people who treat them with kindness and care, while also displaying healthy boundaries and self-respect are the ones that they’ll naturally gravitate to. I mean, who would you rather allow into your space…someone who is critical, blaming, full of anger, has nothing but bad things to say about others or the person who is calm, collected, has solutions, and views interactions with people in an objective way?