How to Deal with Loneliness During Divorce

Loneliness can be a very powerful feeling, particularly when you’re going through a divorce or breakup.

For me it usually feels like an emptiness. There’s an unsettling discomfort and unease. In the past I’ve experienced lethargy and it’s hard to get through the day. Other times the loneliness would seem to have a direct line of communication to my anxiety, and I’d be trying to find the fastest way to alleviate this discontent.

I’ve had a long and varied relationship with loneliness at different stages of my life and thought I’d share some strategies I’ve found helpful. My hope is that by the end of this you feel a little less alone if you are currently going through it, and that you perhaps view your own loneliness in a different light.

Experiencing Loneliness as a Single Person

I’ve certainly had periods of loneliness even when I was in relationships, but it stings differently when you’re single. No matter how much you are thriving in your singledom you may still have moments of unease, especially if you know that you eventually want a relationship.

I’ve observed the conventional wisdom around combatting loneliness is to go out and actively seek groups of people to be around. We’ve all had well-meaning people say, ‘You need to put yourself out there.’ And look, this could be the remedy for your specific type of loneliness. If you haven’t yet given this a try it could be worth a shot.

However, I’ve found over the years that when I am moved to do things in reaction to my own loneliness, I usually don’t find much success connecting with others.

Let me explain:

The Hazards of Letting Loneliness Take the Lead

I’ll admit I can trace back some poor decisions to attempts I’ve made to avoid or avert loneliness.

Some very specific instances that I can think of include:

·         Picking up my phone to swipe on new prospects when I was on the dating apps. If things were ending with someone else and I wanted a distraction from the inevitable loneliness I would just move onto the next in hopes that I’d find someone to fill that spot. Yes, I know I would eventually be looking anyway but using it as a sort of salve to alleviate the pain or get an ego-boost wasn’t the move. Or, if I had been off the apps for a while and came back during a spell of loneliness. Don’t recommend. I doubt I’ll ever be on an app again but if I do I’d only touch them when I’m in a mentally strong place.

·         Going out with casual friends just for the sake of going out even though they’re not people that I connected with in a real way. This would be a scenario where I’d force myself to go out somewhere to be around others and ultimately I would feel worse or drained.

·         Reaching out to my ex or someone that I dated a couple of times in the past. This never led to anything other than disappointment. There’s a reason we didn’t work in the first place, my desperation wasn’t going to add anything of substance to the mix.

In these moments I could remember for sure that loneliness was in the driver’s seat. Thankfully, they were short-lived moments and didn’t have longer-term consequences. However, I have known people that have stayed with inadequate partners for fear of loneliness. I’m not judging anyone that has done this, just commenting about how powerful this mystifying feeling can be.

Getting Curious About Your Loneliness

I can now say that I treat loneliness as I do any other emotions that I have, with care and curiosity. Gone are the days when I would seek out social connection at the first inkling of discomfort. I have come to believe that emotions are informative. For example, anger usually tells me something is unjust or not right. If I try to mask an emotion immediately, I risk never getting the important message.

Discovering what loneliness is trying to tell me is a little tricky though. My attempts to assign the feeling to something have previously been sloppy at best. The lowest hanging fruit is usually that ‘I’m lonely because I don’t have a partner’. Hence why I might have previously become more active on dating apps.

The deeper questions

Digging a little deeper I might then ask (with curiosity), ‘Why don’t I have a partner?’ And this is where the residue starts to be revealed.

How would you answer this question for yourself?

There’s a lot of potential for care or criticism in the answers. Your first instincts can tell you a lot about your own belief system.

On a good clear-headed day, the answer lies somewhere among this set of answers:

Narrative A

-          I haven’t yet found my person

-          I’m not willing to compromise on certain parts of compatibility

-          It’s not a priority right now

-          I want to focus care an attention on myself for the moment

On a day where the loneliness is strong the answer starts to veer into this territory:

Narrative B

-          I’m difficult to understand

-          I’m not attractive enough for anyone to approach me

-          I won’t find someone whose decision-making I trust enough to be a true partner

-          I’m not good enough

See how it got super serious real quick.

My own logic feels comfortable with the clear-headed answers, but the underlying belief system that seems to be the narrative of my loneliness is undeniably present.

And as a reminder, just because I might have these underlying beliefs doesn’t make them true. In fact, I would never say those things about anyone else but how funny it is I could be so self-critical.

Reinforcing my own negative beliefs

Now, imagine you take the thoughts from Narrative B and do the things I used to do to combat loneliness- the swiping, going out, reaching out to your ex. You’re spending time with people who are less likely to understand you, or who have already proven they don’t understand you. Not a good feeling.

Silly me, I was sabotaging myself by being around people who did not get me. I was unintentionally reinforcing my own criticisms.

How I Deal With Feelings of Loneliness Now

I did eventually get to the point where I’ve learned that forcing myself around others was not the solution for my version of loneliness. Being sure not to evade, but rather invite the discomfort as a welcome visitor was the counterintuitive answer for me.

I’ve observed loneliness only really visits me when I’m feeling fearful and so I’m sure to care for and treat myself gently—in the way I would soothe or reassure one of my children. I suppose this would be like my version of nurturing my inner child. I do this until that storm of unreasonable false beliefs about myself passes, and along with it the feelings of loneliness it creates.

So, what does my go-to routine look like now? Below are the things I’ve added and subtracted from my arsenal of ways to cope with loneliness:

Things I do When I Feel Lonely

·         Rest, honestly sometimes a nap helps, loneliness plus sleep deprivation isn’t great

·         Watch a comforting show

·         Find a book to get lost into

·         Write, about the emotions I’m feeling, either in my journal or for this blog

·         Cry, a form of stress relief for me

·         Have alone time, I trust myself the most to care for me when I’m feeling this vulnerable.

·         Share my feelings with a therapist

·         Share my feelings with trusted, emotionally intelligent friends who can understand my situation

·         Create a routine for myself for dressing and getting myself ready for the day in a way that I’ll feel good about

·         Get outdoors

·         Invite the feeling as welcome visitor to my home

Things I Don’t do When I Feel Lonely

·         Try to go out for the purposes of meeting people

·         Swipe on the dating apps

·         Go out with casual friends that I only hang out with sometimes

·         Reach out to exes or people I’ve casually seen in the past

·         Sulk in despair about how hard it is to find the right person

·         Compare myself to others

·         Judge myself for feeling that way

·         Try to run away from the feeling

Engaging With Your Own Loneliness

If you’ve come this far into the blog post you’ve seen the ways that I’ve interacted with my own feelings of being lonely. You may have recognized or related to a few of the things on here. The thing is, loneliness is highly personal. Your own emotions likely have their own unique message they’re trying to share. I urge you to listen with patience and care.