How Do You Break the News of the Divorce to Others?

After you yourself have gotten used to the idea, and told your kids, closest friends and family, you might then be wondering “Who do you tell about your divorce next?” Do you work with your ex to make a joint announcement? How do you tell mutual friends about the divorce?

Like most of the advice on this blog, this is totally going to depend on the nature of your friendship with your ex. When I cut ties from my marriage it was not difficult to keep things separate because we were extremely different people and had different groups that we were close to. There wasn’t overlap.

When revealing information about my divorce my preference was to only offer the information up if it was relevant to our conversation. For me it was casual and not made into a big deal, we weren’t celebrities so there wasn’t a need for an official press release or anything. Rather than making a huge announcement, my divorce reveal seemed to be a series of small admissions on a need-to-know basis.

What I would consider being a more formal announcement (made on Instagram on one of my stories and kept as a highlight now…yes, these are the times we’re in) was only made after the ENTIRE family court process was over and I had finality about what the next part of my life would look like. There didn’t seem to be a point before then because I was going to be bombarded with questions that I had no answers to.

TELLING EXTENDED FAMILY ABOUT THE DIVORCE

Frankly, if I didn’t speak to someone on a regular basis I wasn’t going out of my way to tell them about my situation. How close people were to me before the divorce dictated who I would confide this information to. Anyone else, like extended family, only learned when they needed to know about something specifically. In my case, I didn’t have any reason to tell others outside of my close circle what was happening. If it did occur it was one-on-one in a regular conversation…again, this was not, ‘sit down’ news. You know who is close to you.

One thing that you might want to look out for. I don’t care how close you are with your ex’s family, when the separation happens I think it’s safest to assume that they are squarely in the other person’s camp. Even if they love you, it’s going to be difficult for them to hear negative things about their family. I had this experience and it was sad that I had to let go of what I thought was a very friendly relationship but ultimately it wasn’t my place to stay in communication with them as there were times when the divorce became contentious. Once again, you’ll have to make the call in this circumstance but I would tread lightly if I were you.

TELLING FRIENDS ABOUT THE DIVORCE

As I mentioned before, in my relationship the split between friends was very obvious and I felt no losses as his people were not people I was in regular contact with anyway (looking back this was a clear sign of how different and incompatible we were.) My closest friends were among the people that I told first, the ones I would message in the middle of the night and who were immediately by my side when I needed them. These are not the friends I’m talking about. I’m talking about the acquaintances, people who you might have known incidentally through your kids’ school, social groups, etc. My style was more one-on-one and then I suppose people would eventually learn if it was shared or became common knowledge.

I wasn’t hiding the fact I was getting a divorce, I just felt it wasn’t something worth sharing with someone I didn’t already have an established connection with. With people who don’t really know you very well I found it was extremely common for curious questions to arise. Despite the fact that people might ask, I don’t believe there is any reason you need to figure how to explain why you got divorced.

TELLING TEACHERS, EMPLOYERS & OTHER PROFESSIONALS ABOUT THE DIVORCE

If you have children, telling their teacher and other professionals at the school might require a sit-down conversation or an email. This is one of the only formal settings I would choose to share this information since kids may begin to display different behaviours as a result of the family split. In an attempt to anticipate the needs of the children and gather reinforcements to support them, it might be a good idea to talk to those within the school community about how to best handle the situation. There might be certain procedures required to share information and get permission from both of the parents so this also becomes a matter of logistics. Schools are used to all types of different scenarios so hopefully what you share will be welcomed with a clear and straightforward plan. I experienced a lot of financial instability in the early parts of my divorce and the school was extremely helpful when it came to extending grace periods for school payments.

Likewise, telling your boss about the divorce is probably wise since you may need more support than usual and may have to schedule around court dates. To a good employer, your personal life and well-being should be something they care about. Whether or how much to share with your co-workers is another story and again you’ll have to feel that one out for yourself.

Therapists, physicians, and anyone else who may be involved in your health are probably people you should share this information with. Divorce comes with a lot of stress and can have a detrimental impact on your health, especially when it lasts longer than you think. You may be then dealing with a chronic stress situation.

MANAGING PEOPLE’S REACTION TO YOUR DIVORCE NEWS

When you do begin to share this news with different people you’ll start to notice that depending on who you tell a person’s own experience of divorce may come to the surface based on how they take the news. I’ve had people congratulate me, people look at me with pity and fear in their eyes, and also those who clearly relived the pain that their divorce caused to them in the immediate moments after I told them of my situation.

For me the best and most reassuring reactions were the ones who would say something like, ‘oh wow, yeah I’ve been there, it gets better and now I’m in a much better place/relationship.’ The least helpful were the ones that dwelled on how hard the process was and appeared completely broken from it. I promise you have a choice as to which one you will eventually decide to be. People will project their own fears onto you and you’ll want to recognize this is happening and do what you can to protect yourself from taking on those thoughts yourself.

Now, when someone tells me they’re going through a divorce I simply ask, ‘how do you feel?’ so as not to assume they are having negative or positive experiences about it and let them simply share in a genuine way if they so choose.

TELLING STRANGERS ABOUT THE DIVORCE

So, this is a really interesting area. Casually telling a stranger that you’re getting a divorce is a good way to get used to the idea and makes it feel more real. One of the greatest and memorable interactions I had happened the very next day after telling my ex that I wanted a divorce. I happened to be at a work conference and shared with another attendee that I had just begun the process of separation. It was extremely fresh, and as you can read in my journal excerpt from that time, I was totally in a fog but somehow managed to be open and optimistic around other people.

I wasn’t looking for sympathy, rather it was genuinely just bringing it up to be honest. I could tell that my newfound friend was similarly open and frank. Immediately he said, “Don’t worry, my mom was single with a ton of kids and she always had guys around, you’ll find someone.” I found this to be a refreshingly funny statement and also he helped me see some distant future. I honestly was not even remotely thinking about finding someone new at the time and yet what he said is exactly what I needed to hear at the time. It was so matter-of-fact and said with zero doubt in his mind that I think his belief in some outcome helped remove some of the unknowns in my mind.

I later calculated that he would have been the same age as my son when his parents divorced so it was doubly a relief to know this man had appeared to be well adjusted and friendly even after experiencing that in childhood. Not all was lost.

Sometimes perfect strangers know exactly what to say better than others you may have known your whole life.

I experienced numerous other interactions with strangers that made my heart full even when I was at my lowest. When I had to do basic things like ask for extensions to pay certain bills when my financial situation was unstable early on in the separation I encountered some of the kindest and most generous people on the other end of the phone. They worked for the insurance companies, utilities, and even Centrelink. One gentleman named Ben reminded me to take one day at a time and reassured me that they would do anything they could to help me out until I could pay the premium again. Another woman named Maree stayed with me on the phone for an hour figuring out what 5 people before her could not do in relation to getting payments that were due to me. When others said, “sorry, that’s our policy,” her approach was, “let me see what I can do for you.”

I genuinely felt the goodness of people all around me during this time and it was overwhelming. I cried a lot because of how beautiful and kind people could be. It was humbling to have to ask for help and equally as humbling to experience such generosity.

DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE MAINTAINING YOUR DIGNITY

At this point in time, your priority should be conducting your life in the way that makes the most sense for you. Don’t worry about what information you think others should be obligated to know about. A simple, “we’re just very different people” could suffice when someone asks you about why you’re getting divorced.

Keep in mind, what you share about your ex is hardly ever evidence of how your ex was. I find that what you decide to reveal about the relationship actually reflects more about you. No matter how difficult your ex has been, maintain a sense of diplomacy when talking to others. If you bad mouth the other person (even if they objectively deserve it) all it does is make you look bad or bitter to other people who don’t understand the story in the first place.

When it comes to the messiness of sharing your divorce news, rise above the feelings of obligation you feel toward people who don’t need to know your business, lean into the people who care about you most, and remain open to the blessings brought forth by chance encounters.

xLaura