Going Through Divorce: How to Cope with the Long Road Ahead
5 Tips for Getting Through the Months Following Separation
How long does it take to heal from divorce? That’s a tough question to answer. One of the hardest things about going through divorce is that there is often not a guaranteed end date. You may be dealing with an unknown amount of time. This can be especially true if you weren’t the one who initiated the proceedings. You’ll have to learn how to move on from a divorce you didn’t want. I do believe the advice below still holds true in this scenario as well.
The mental and emotional anguish of dealing with the end of a marriage can be rough. Especially when your brain wants certainty. Below are 5 mental shifts that may help you make it through your divorce.
1. Accept the Uncertainty of Divorce and Live in the Moment
One of the first questions you’ll probably ask your lawyer is, “How long does divorce take?” If you want to know how long the divorce process takes you can easily look at the requirements for your state or region. But those timelines will be dependent on your own circumstances, whether you have children, and if there is a complex business that needs to be accounted for in the marital assets. Any of those complications can add time to your divorce, let alone a busy court system.
Learning to exist without a definite answer to this question will teach you a lot about being comfortable with uncertainty.
2. Plan, but Don’t Over Plan for Every Scenario
Gathering the basic information that you need and being well-prepared is very different than obsessively thinking about what could happen. This is a case where the phrase, ‘cross that bridge when you get there’ truly matters. Trust that you will be able to arrive at the right solution when you are faced with a challenge that arises. There is no need to prolong your worry by guessing every possible outcome.
3. Release Extraneous Stressors
This can be an extremely stressful experience that can take a toll on your sleep, diet, and overall health. You have good reason to release whatever other stresses and pressures on your life that don’t necessarily need to be there. Maybe this means making a few ready-made meals rather than cooking a full dinner for the kids every night, or declining social responsibilities in favor of participating in recreational activities or exercise that clears your mind. You need extra care during this time. Your instinct might be to add things…yoga, meditation, journaling but self-care can also look like letting go of unnecessary obligations.
4. Create Something to Look Forward to
I mean this on both a daily and more long-term basis. This could be as simple as having a TV show that you look forward to watching in the evening. This gives you at least one notable, positive moment during the day. In terms of long-term, that’s relative and I always felt the timeframe that I could use as a goal post was 3-6 months, which would typically coincide with the different court appearances, so it at least felt like progress. I lived with the excitement that each next court date might possibly be the last. It was something to look forward to, but even if inevitably nothing would happen in court that day, I would immediately again put that new timeframe goal for a future date.
5. Do Things You Love Now
As I mentioned before in another blog post, the time that you go through divorce is still a part of your life. Please do not wait until the process is over to go on that fun trip with your friends or fully celebrate your birthday. There is a lot of joy to be had even between the days that might be tougher. That’s how life is in general, isn’t it? The divorce is one of many things that are happening in your life.
To reiterate, 5 mental shifts you can make to get through your divorce
1. Accept uncertainty and live in the moment
2. Plan, but don’t over plan
3. Release unnecessary stressors
4. Create moments to look forward to
5. Do things you love now