Losing Friends During Divorce

When you go through a divorce you might anticipate that certain parts of your life will be downsized in the fallout. But it could come as a surprise to see that your friend circle changes shape. When your marriage ends, the community of people around you who were invested in your relationship as a couple might look different once you have decided to separate. This can be hard for many people who are going through divorce to suddenly feel as though they have been abandoned by friends.

Knowing Who Your Friends Are During Divorce

During the pre-divorce stage and throughout the process I was lucky to have my closest friends remain by my side as a source of support. For me it this was a slightly easier transition because as a couple my ex-husband and I did not have many friends in common. We were not entrenched in our social circles as a couple among other couples. The lines were drawn early on except for a couple of relatives and shared co-workers. As a rule, during the divorce, anyone that we might mutually know would automatically become someone I needed to keep at arm’s length because I couldn’t fully know whether they would purposefully or inadvertently be feeding information to the other person.

Reasons Some Friends Abandon You During a Divorce

Why do we lose friends during divorce? Divorce can be a devastating time to lose friends because this might be when you expect to be able to lean on them the most. Just as you are dealing with the unknown in this separation, your friends may also have no idea to handle the situation or it could bring up sensitive feelings and fears for them as well. Here are some reasons why you may have lost certain friends during a period of divorce:

They don’t want to take sides

If friends had a good relationship with both you and your spouse, it can put them in a difficult situation each time they interact with you. This can be especially tricky if your friends knew one of you longer and have genuinely become close with the other spouse. They know the other spouse may take it the wrong way if they find out plans have been made, or conversations have been happening. To maintain an appearance of neutrality it may be easier for them to step away for a short while to remain impartial. It is possible they may make a reappearance once your life has settled into some semblance of a routine after the divorce is final, but you have every right to decide whether to allow them back into your circle.

They fear divorce and that it will spread to the rest of the couple friend group

When a friend hears that you are going through divorce, it is likely they will express their condolences. Almost immediately after that their mind might go straight to the question of whether their own relationship or marriage is also under threat. It’s natural to start with questions and wondering about how an intact marriage can break apart. It might cast a shadow of fear and doubt onto your couple friends and often these serious topics can make people feel deeply uncomfortable. They might not want to acknowledge what is happening. If this is the case, know that their discomfort is not about you but likely about some dissatisfying aspects of their own life.

A couple might feel uncomfortable having newly single friends

Decades ago, there used to be a stigma around being a divorcee and suddenly becoming a threat in the neighborhood because the single person might try to steal someone else’s spouse. That seems wildly outdated, as divorce becomes more common. However, some people still hold this idea and might not feel comfortable as part of a couple having friends who are single and dating.

They were acquaintances or friends of convenience rather than genuine friends

Are you friends with someone because you knew them through a couple’s group, mother’s group, or some other situation that was a part of your married life? If that is the case and that history is all you have in common, this friendship may go away if your connection was held together by situational factors. You may be emerging into an entirely different life. If your life and schedule changes you may not have the support of as many people as you like. You will find out the hard way that these friendships were probably made of out convenience. When the times get tough, they may not be equipped to handle the big issues with you because there hasn’t yet developed that type of closeness.

It can be immensely sad when someone you think you are close to begins to distance themselves after you announce your separation or divorce. I had a friend who would previously call me for advice on their own problems, but once I shared that I was getting divorced they were nowhere to be found. Understand that people could be dealing with their own fears, their own issues, and just don’t know what to do in this situation.