Dealing With Stress During Divorce

Divorce is often cited as one of the most stressful things a person can go through. What is so difficult about it is that it is not just a mental state, but it also affects your whole physical being from interrupting your sleep, digestion, and increasing inflammation in the body.[i]

If you weren’t taking care of yourself before the divorce happened, now is the time to prioritize your health and take a good look at your daily habits. You won’t be able to remove all the stressors in your life during this time, so it is important to think about the things you CAN control.

Divorce Stress often leaves you with a lot of nervous and anxious energy

You’re thinking about all the different scenarios and life changes that are on the horizon. You’re wondering how you’re going to support yourself, share time with the kids, where you’ll move…sometimes all at once.

First, remember that worrying about things doesn’t solve problems. All it does is turn you into a ball of anxiety. This is truly one of those times when learning how to deal with one thing at a time will serve you well. You put one foot in front of the other and deal with things as they come to you.

While you’re in the process of getting used to dealing with one thing at a time, hopefully you’ll find that you can handle these circumstances better over time. Learning how to deal with this swirling of emotions and anxiety is important. The anxious energy needs to be funneled somewhere.

Exercise Can Help Re-Direct the Extra Energy

One of the things with my anxious energy early on was to create a routine of physical exercise first thing in the morning. I would go to the gym and use the elliptical machine; it was the only thing that helped me feel regulated for the rest of the day. Not only did it provide a happy mood boost of endorphins, it also served to release whatever energy I might have been accumulating while I was overthinking.

I had told my close friend, who was my mentor and who had gone through the exact same divorce scenario years before, about my routine. She told me she did nearly the exact same thing with her energy. She would swim laps every morning to release the stress of the time.

So, whether it be a walk or some other type of physical activity, it might be worthwhile to figure out what your version of energy re-direction is to funnel all those stress chemicals somewhere.

Unexpected Sources of Divorce Stress

While the entire period of the divorce provided a sense of stress in a chronic and low-level way that always felt present, there were moments that proved to be surges of stress for me and it was usually in unexpected moments. For example, when I would see an email related to divorce documents or when I would drop off the kids at their dad’s house and find myself on the listening end of a complaint that he had while I was a captive audience.

In moments like these you ride this big wave of stress that comes seemingly out of nowhere. An annoyance, for sure.

I got a little better at dealing with these as they arose. With the divorce emails, I often would first send them to my closest friends so they could have a look and I would do some exercise or physical activity to get centered. On occasion they would come to me while I was on the elliptical so that was handy in getting that nervous energy out.

When it came to the impromptu talks I would regroup and take extra care of myself afterward, or journal or share with friends. Sometimes I just needed to go home and cry.

Yes, crying is a form of stress relief (my favorite, in fact) so don’t be afraid to do it when you need.

Why Caring for Your Mind and Body Becomes More Important During Divorce

When you have such a prominent source of stress that is ongoing it becomes even more important to remove all the unnecessary sources of stress and take care of your health as much as possible to weather the storm.

The decisions that are made, and the outcomes that arise from a divorce can be long-lasting. I am sure that for some people finding every way to make someone else’s life miserable is the divorce strategy to get the other party to relent and quit. Even if there is no ill intention the period can be stressful. And I hope that you can stick it out long enough to get an equitable outcome and not tap out because it all feels like too much.

These are decisions you will need to make for yourself if you are particularly affected by what is playing out in your divorce. If you feel that it will be too much to deal with and opt to ‘leave some things on the bargaining table’ that’s okay, too. Everything is so individual, and I hope you never feel bad about making a decision that ultimately is best for your overall wellbeing.

Learn More About Your Relationship to Stress to Help Yourself

Divorce isn’t particularly fun, but it can be extremely informative and show you how you handle the stresses of life. Everything becomes so heightened. Listening to what your body needs is especially important to caring for yourself during this period. Maybe you already have tried and tested ways of lessening or dealing with the stress in your life.

If you are looking for a new resource to help you dive into this aspect of your life, I would suggest you check out the materials and online course offered by The Giving Well. Full disclosure, it is a little wellness company started by my friend (Angel) and I. Let me tell you, it is so incredible to have a best friend who is a therapist and can provide perspective on all things related to life from a clinical/theory standpoint rather than just…vibes. I benefitted so much from our friendship, and I know so many people could use these insights which is why I jumped at the chance to work with her to create these resources.

In particular, please have a look at the course “Crafting a Sustainable Self-Care Practice” which she developed to help understand the causes of stress and how to create sustainable routines that address them. You can find it here.

I hope you find ways to help lessen the burden of stress during this time and carry these new insights with you into your post-divorce life.

[i] https://www.uhhospitals.org/blog/articles/2015/07/the-top-5-most-stressful-life-events