Therapy During Divorce

Therapy can play an important role in the healing process during and after divorce. I’ve seen some ads marketing telehealth therapy services and ones who provide online services; they talk about having someone to talk to when you are down. Everyone has different needs and I imagine that people who lack a supportive community of trusted friends would benefit from this service. I used therapy a little differently than what these services are suggesting and I’m sure you’ll find the best way for it to work for you should you decide to go this route.

First off, divorce was a very introspective time for me to think about what I went through and how I got to that place. I did a lot of this work in solitude. Secondly, my trusted friends and family were there to hear the day-to-day details and I spread that information around a lot so as not to burden any one person. I did, however, keep the people I wanted to know up to date with what was happening and being able to repeat a story anew 5-7 times with different people helped me clear out obsessive thoughts about the issues.

Therapy for me was not only about having someone to talk to but was something I did with specific purpose.  I was intent on figuring out why I had been in a relationship for so long with someone that objectively was not a fit for me.

Sometimes you will hear people say things like ‘running is my therapy’ or ‘shopping is my therapy.’ Those are not therapy. They may feel good or therapeutic but they do not take the place of sitting in front of a trained professional who helps you get to the core of the issues you are grappling with.

The Willingness to Go to Therapy

For some, going to therapy is a welcome activity while for others it fills them with dread, or they think they aren’t going to get anything out of the process. It is certainly an investment financially and you may want to consider if you are in the right time and place to undergo this commitment. Your willingness to participate and show up to your sessions is going to play a big role in its effectiveness.

The reason that this topic shows up in my divorce timeline in year 1 is because I didn’t start the process until I was already living in a new place and away from my ex. There was an element of still being in the middle of the process and trying to mentally stay afloat during the time I was separated under the same roof. It wasn’t until I had some space from that experience that I could finally take a step back and go, “okay, I’m ready to start digging and want to find out what led me to this point in life.”

Finding a Therapist

I was fortunate that my doctor is the one who suggested a therapist that he had said his patients had good feedback about. In Australia we’re able to get some of the sessions subsidized by the government. The last I read it was 10 (during the pandemic it went up to 20) for the year. I filled out paperwork and answered some questions about my emotional and mental health and I was able to get a referral fairly easily.

You may need to meet with a few people before you find someone who you click with, but I got on immediately with the therapist that I met. Feeling safe and secure with the person you are speaking to is a big deal in this kind of setting. Remember, this is your session. Don’t feel bad if you need to change providers, this is a highly personal experience.

How Often Should You See a Therapist?

Again, this is going to be personal to you and what you can afford. When first meeting with my therapist there was a lot of ground to cover so I met with her weekly for the first month or so. This was to create a sense of continuity of my story for her and so she could get to know me well immediately. I had to explain my whole story, why I was there, and piece together a history of my life as I knew it so she could be onboarded to the situation.

After I felt like she was sufficiently caught up with my story I then moved to once a month as it was more for maintenance and to check in with her. I also had a session here or there where I wanted to talk about something specific between months, but for the most part I saved my talking points in my phone for the next month’s appointment. Even in the later months when there wasn’t seemingly anything to talk about, I knew the purpose of me coming in for regular appointments was in case something in the future did arise that I wanted to deal with, that she was always current with things that were happening in my life.

I still see her to this day and it’s a kind of safety net for me. I’m often surprised by what is uncovered in sessions I don’t think are going to be particularly eventful.

Should I Go in with Topics to Talk About?

If something is on your mind at the time then it’s a good place to bring it up, but don’t feel like you need an exact agenda of what to discuss at each session. Having someone who is trained to collaborate with you in conversation to understand more about your life is special. As I mentioned before, this bouncing off of ideas and topics has sometimes led to very meaningful insights about my experience that I hadn’t ever thought of before. Every time this happens, I liken it to a ‘new door to open that I hadn’t even known was there.’

However you decide to approach going to therapy during your divorce, I hope it gives you the support, understanding, and perspective you need to get through this challenging time.