When Your Child Asks Why You Are Getting a Divorce

Sometime this question will catch you off guard and you realize that your little person has had this on her mind for quite a while.

Not often, but every once in a while my very young daughter would ask me this with tears in her eyes. For some reason it was usually on a drive home so I can often picture her in her car booster seat sitting over my left shoulder and with a quivering voice asking, “why did you want a divorce from my daddy?”

My first reaction is normally one of great sadness, not because of the decision I made, but because it is something that is causing her obvious confusion and discomfort. I was fortunate to also have an older child who within a few weeks of learning about this news actually told me while we were walking in a shopping center ‘I can see why you left dad.’ Even with this reassurance, which I know not all of us get, it’s a challenge to deal with this question.

What To Say To Your Child When They Ask Why You Got A Divorce

Normally I will tell her, that her daddy and I argue a lot when we’re together.

And honestly, if I was to give you any advice about this it is to memorize this statement and this statement alone.

What Not To Say To Your Child When They Ask Why You Got A Divorce

I can hardly think of any other answer that would be appropriate for a child to hear. Sure, there are a slew of other statements I could have made or maybe you might consider to be true in your case:

·       I was extremely unhappy

·       He was controlling

·       He’s not a good person

·       I was treated poorly

·       He was inconsiderate

·       …the list goes on

Divorce Is Complicated, Keep It Simple For Them

Ultimately none of those answers are going to appease a young child and feel as though they are worth having broken up a family to them. In their world, if you answer with any of those you essentially put your own needs before their need to have a secure nuclear family. A child’s mind doesn’t understand nuance, or the fact that prolonging a dysfunctional relationship could have severe long-term effects on them as well.

So again, repeat after me, “We argue a lot when we’re together”

I have even considered a riff on a statement about us ‘not being friends’ but even that would probably sound too harsh to a child. For you to declare that you do not like their father is essentially saying you do not like a part of them.

Sometimes I’ll substitute in something about ‘disagreeing on a lot of things’ but that’s about as much variety as I’ve been able to work in so far.

This is what has worked for me thus far, I would love to hear in the comments or via private message if you’ve found another effective solution for this challenging scenario.

xLaura