THE 3 MOST IMPORTANT PIECES OF DIVORCE ADVICE

I’ve been sitting on this blog for a long time because I needed some distance from the actual events to figure out what I wanted to write.

Almost exactly 5 years ago I told my then-husband that I wanted a divorce. We had been married for 12 years but I had spent the last two of those years feeling very unsettled within myself.

I spent an enormous amount of time trying to get to the bottom of this feeling in hopes I could improve the situation. I had no idea the end of the road would lead to me deciding to end the marriage, in fact, the idea of a split never occurred to me within those two years of self-reflection.

But one day, during a contentious confrontation, it hit me like a bolt of lightning that there was no possible way for things to work out if I wanted to continue to grow and be myself.

I could have made the relationship last, but to do so would require me to continually suppress the things that were important to me, the things that made me who I was. And as a mother raising two children, the gradual disappearance of their mother, figuratively speaking, was not acceptable.

Why I Wrote This

When I was in the very beginning of the process, I would be awestruck by people who had been divorced and had made it through the other side. They seemed to be doing well…some were even in happy, healthy relationships!

I couldn’t even fathom this at the time.

I was lucky to have a ‘divorce mentor’ in one of my best friends who went through nearly the same exact experience I did several years before I even knew her. I generally believe people cross our paths for a reason and her presence has reinforced this belief for me. The details and underlying issues of my breakup were wildly coincidental to hers. I would go as far to say that we met and clicked because she could see herself in me. She saw the pattern I was living and knew what was down the road.

Her insight, wisdom, and reassurance during my most challenging moments made the journey less lonely.

I don’t know if you have that person, but if you didn’t before, now you do.

What’s the Best Way to Get Through a Divorce?

That’s something only you can answer. My goal with this blog is to give you some of the questions I asked of myself when I was going through it all and, where applicable, share the sometimes-messy process of figuring it out.

I thought about the best way to organize all of this information and landed on grouping it together based on the chronological order of when I needed to hear it or use it. Again, I try to stay out of the weeds with particulars about my circumstances. I’m still a co-parent, after all.

I don’t believe that there is a one-size-fits-all approach to divorce; the things I read or write may not apply to you. We all get here in a million different ways. But I hope the contents of these pages serve as a jumping-off point for you to orchestrate YOUR perfect plan.

The Blueprint

When I’m anxious I write. And during the several years that my divorce took, I logged everything I did, learned, and found helpful along the way. The little things included documenting conversations, how I went about finding a lawyer, record-keeping, remaining connected with friends and family, and even staying well mentally and physically through the ups and downs.

A note on the ‘several years’ aspect of this: please do not get discouraged by how long your process might be…it takes however long it takes to do it properly, right? And I assure you there is plenty you can do in the meantime.

For the sake of privacy, I don’t feel it appropriate to share every contentious thing that happened, but I will share how I dealt with different challenges.

My 3 Most Important Pieces of Advice for Anyone Going Through Divorce

If you only read one thing from this blog, I hope it’s the next few paragraphs. They’re not so much prescriptive things to do as they are ways of thinking and orienting yourself toward the divorce process. These were my guiding principles:

1.       This period in which your divorce is taking place is still a part of your life.

I think we can agree that each moment of our lives is precious and shouldn’t be wished away. If you’re going to do this, do it right and give yourself a chance to make the best decisions you can without being squeezed by the discomfort and desire to ‘get it over with.’ It’s happening, but so are so many other wonderful things around you.

2.       Learn your values and make your decisions based on those.

For me, the children were my north star. Yes, I was under the scrutiny of the family court, so I had to be extra careful about my decisions as a co-parent, but I hardly ever thought about that. As far as I was concerned, I had an audience of 2, the son and daughter who would be affected long-term by anything that happened. This adjustment kept me well within the standards of any courtroom.

Also, I was extremely determined to make ethical decisions that felt right to my own internal compass. I encountered times where certain shortcuts or tactics were an option, but they didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to finish the entire process with my integrity intact.

3.       If you can learn about yourself during this time, you’ll be way ahead of the game once you’re on the other side.

No one wants to see you go through a harrowing and difficult split, just to see you turn around and start a relationship with the same person who just has a different name. The same can be said of any other habits and activities you engage in that are no longer serving the life you want to create. Learn your patterns, take some time to heal, lean into it and make the most of this uniquely transformative and disruptive time.

Divorce can be tough, even when it’s amicable. This writing/blog was intended to provide a place to clear your head and mentally regroup when needed. Yes, I talk strategy and practical matters, but that’s not really the main purpose of this exercise.

The reason I’ve left my story here with you is to serve as a reminder that you are in the process of writing your own story.

I hope that you read what I’ve done and say to yourself, ‘Yeah, that sounds like it could work in my case,’ or ‘no, that’s not how I would do it.’ Even better if it’s the latter because discovering your own unique way of navigating this process is where the real magic lies.

Everything won’t be solved at once but know that little by little you can get to where you need to be.

So, take it one day at a time…or maybe one moment at a time is all you can handle.

Just keep going.