Why You Shouldn’t Explain What You Want in the Getting-to-Know-You Stage of Dating
When you first start dating someone, it can be tempting to lay out exactly what you want in a partner. You might think that by setting clear expectations, you’ll make it easier to find someone who meets your standards. But in reality, this approach can backfire. Instead of seeing how someone naturally behaves, you may end up guiding them to act in a way that pleases you, whether it’s truly who they are or not.
If you want a genuine connection, it’s better to observe rather than instruct. Here’s why holding back on revealing your blueprint for love can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship.
Let Them Show You Who They Are
In the early stages of dating, your primary goal is to learn about the other person. If you explicitly tell them what you want, you risk influencing their behavior rather than seeing their authentic self. While it might be fun if they’re good at taking direction, it raises the question: how solid are they in their own identity if they can be so easily molded into what you want?
Don’t Hand Over the Map to Your Heart
Some people believe that stating their expectations upfront will ensure they find a partner who aligns with them. For example, if you enjoy lavish gifts and trips, you might think that sharing this preference will lead to someone meeting that standard. However, this approach often results in a transactional dynamic rather than genuine connection.
Sure, it may seem convenient when a person listens and immediately adjusts their behavior to match your desires, but what have you truly learned about them? Beyond their ability to appease and possibly their financial situation, not much. In extreme cases, people have found themselves enamored with the lifestyle provided to them, only to later realize that their partner lacked depth or, worse, had toxic traits. Revealing too much about your deepest desires too soon can make it easier for someone to deceive you.
Observe Their Natural Behavior
If you want to determine whether someone is genuinely a fit for you, it’s best to observe how they naturally behave. A strong relationship should not require training someone to meet your expectations. By the time someone reaches their mid-20s or older, and are further removed from the influence of parental figures or school, the more likely the life they’re living is a product of how they engage with the world. Save for some extreme exceptions, what you’re seeing from them is a product of either their consideration or neglect.
The typical question-and-answer format of dating doesn’t always provide deep insight. People can say whatever they think you want to hear, but their actions will reveal the truth. Pay attention to their attitude toward life, how they handle challenges, and even how they respond to difficult questions. Do they complain often? Are they consistent in making plans? These subtle behaviors provide valuable information about their character and compatibility with you.
You Are Not a Puzzle to Be Solved
The right person will naturally understand and appreciate you without needing an instruction manual. If someone truly aligns with you, they won’t require extensive coaching to “get” you. They will connect with your essence without effort. This doesn’t mean they won’t learn more about you over time, but their core understanding of who you are should come naturally, not through adaptation and training.
What Can You Do Instead? Be Yourself.
This may sound like a contradiction to everything above, but it’s not. The key distinction is that you should not be giving someone explicit instructions on how to win you over. Instead, focus on being your genuine self without forcing them to fit a mold.
Engage in activities that truly interest you.
Dress in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable.
Talk about your passions without filtering them to seem more appealing.
Be your considerate self, but don’t worry about seeking their approval.
For example, if you love watching Real Housewives, don’t be embarrassed about it. Your person won’t judge you for your interests; they may even be intrigued. The closer you are to your authentic self, the easier it will be to see if the person you’re dating is truly compatible with you.
Conclusion
Dating is an act of discovery. By allowing someone to show you who they are rather than telling them how to act, you create space for genuine connection. The right person will be drawn to you for who you truly are, not for how well they can follow a set of instructions. Let authenticity be your guide, and you’ll have a much better chance of finding a meaningful and lasting relationship.