Pre-Planning: What to do Before You Tell Them You Want a Divorce

‘Every battle is won or lost before it is ever fought’ -Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I never wanted to be that person who quoted The Art of War, but this so eloquently describes my approach to the pre-planning process of divorce.

No, I didn’t consider this a battle.

I was trying to advocate for myself, not vanquish an enemy.

What struck me about the quote was that all of the preparation I did in the pre-divorce stage before the so-called war began actually did set the stage for what was to come afterward, and I wanted to share that with you here in the case that it can help your situation as well.

If you’re the one who has decided they want a divorce, this is for you. If you’re at the mercy of someone else’s decision, then maybe this will help elucidate the process of what pre-planning has happened on the other end.

Admitting to yourself that you want a divorce takes a moment to get used to.

You’ve made up your mind.

But what next?

Again, I can’t answer this for you, but I can tell you what the days and months after I had made the decision looked like for me.

I call this the pre- divorce planning process because this was the time from when I had made up my mind to divorce, and when I told my partner. It was a period of about 2 months where I could get used to the idea and get my ducks in a row.

EMOTIONAL PREPARATION

Confide in a few trusted people

This is a very heavy burden to carry by yourself. If safe to do so, you may want to confide in a couple of people, but only the ones who are the most trusted guardians of your secrets. Talk it out, get used to the idea and see how it settles. What was their reaction to you saying this? Are they surprised? Not a single person, other than the ones who knew nothing about me, were surprised to hear this news when I told it to them. I think that says something.

Try not to let on that you want a divorce

This is probably the hardest part but do not let on that you want a divorce, even if you have been arguing more than usual. The more time you give yourself to plan and gather resources without the other person knowing, the more space and time you give yourself to make important decisions. You don’t really know what your partner will be like after this news is revealed, so assume that they are not going to be very cooperative or generous.

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally

Eat, sleep, and get physical exercise when you can. Create a morning or evening routine where you can collect your thoughts and have some quiet time. Your mind may be racing with so many thoughts and scenarios, the stress of recent arguments, and uncertainty of what is going to come next. Be kind to yourself. If you’re anything like me, this will be the period of time where you’re simply trying to piece together the next best solution each day and put one foot in front of the other. That’s totally understandable and okay. There’s a lot happening.

PRACTICAL MATTERS

Gather copies of all your financial materials and identifications

Inventory all of the possessions, copy identifications, all insurances, anything that remotely looks official. If you were silly like me and didn’t have a clue what was going on financially, this might be a really harsh education at first but facing problems head-on is the only way to begin to solve them. This is something I should have done for myself well before anything was amiss but better late than never.

I spent many hours taking photos and scanning docs then sending them to myself on a dedicated email account I set up for this process. If you name your emails correctly it also provides an easy way of searching anything you might need in the future.

Timeline Your Story, Important Facts, and Any Questions You Have

This will help you in the stages where you consult with professionals about your situation. You may have limited time to talk to someone, and you want to make the most of it. Which brings me to the next suggestion…

Go see a lawyer even if you don’t think you’ll need a lawyer

Even if you’re low on funds, this step is extremely worthwhile to know what your options are. Make use of free services like legal aid or save up some money to pay for a few initial consultations with different people. At the time that this happened for me I had access to minimal funds, and I put nearly all of that into making sure I met with legal counsel. The varied advice and opinions I got in my meetings were enlightening and broadened my view of what the process would look like going forward. Even the people I did not end up engaging were helpful with questions I had and provided a different point of view that I might encounter through the whole process.

I have a post on finding a great divorce lawyer.

Begin a program/habit of record-keeping, keep a diary with notes about behaviors and conversations.

Contemporaneous notes will help you feel more confident if you ever have to write an affidavit for the court. A lot will happen, you’ll be surprised at how much of a blur it will be so take down anything you think might be remotely useful.

Have an emergency bag at the ready in case you need to leave. Gather your most important things.

Even if you feel safe and have never had an issue with your partner before, you’ve likely never experienced what they are like under the circumstances of an impending divorce so you don’t really know what could happen. Again, this pre- divorce planning is about giving yourself the most options and being prepared for different scenarios that may arise.

Have a plan for your interim/temporary living situation.

I was fortunate enough to have another room in the home that I could settle into. My daughter was only one year old at the time that this happened, and I felt it was important for her to spend as much time with the both of us as possible, despite the discomfort of that. This definitely is not an arrangement that can work for everyone, but you’ll have to figure out what you’re most comfortable with and what your circumstances will allow. You can read more about ideas for separating under the same roof in an older post.

Decide how and where you are going to break the news.

In an ideal world, you are able to tell them you want a divorce on your terms and discuss in a calm and straightforward manner…as opposed to blurting it out in the heat of an argument. In my case, it helped to be able to say what I needed (you can read about this first week) and then talk about what my next steps were in terms of the living arrangements, etc. By the time I had gotten to this step I ways already very prepared for everything that would happen thereafter because of the pre-planning I had done for it.

And when the cat is out of the bag it’s impossible to put back in, so take the time you need.

One last note before you go:

If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you are in the early stages of divorce or it has been on your mind. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this turmoil. Ultimately, you’ll have to make the call as to whether this path is right for you. I do want you to know that even if it appears somewhat scary or intimidating to think of the entire process, all you need to do is take one step at a time. This is why I’ve written the divorce portion of the blog with the sample timeline.

x Laura