Not Settling: Deciding That You Deserve Better In Relationships

Have you ever settled for something in your life? Maybe you were aware of what you were doing and resigned yourself to consciously making the choice to settle. Maybe you settled and didn’t even realize you were doing it until later?

That was me getting married a week after I turned 22.

I thought I knew myself. I didn’t.

I thought I could compensate for the things that were missing. I couldn’t.

I thought the most important piece of the relationship puzzle was security. It wasn’t - I ended up living in a gilded cage.

Whether you’re aware of settling or not I figure these choices come down to the beliefs we hold. In a nutshell, you maybe have low expectations (me) or you fear the alternative to settling, whatever that might be for you.

What does it look like to NOT settle?

If we’re talking about settling I think it’s important at the outset to discuss what it looks like to NOT settle. To me, not settling means only accepting circumstances that support and nurture the genuine version of you, your beliefs and what is important to you. I am extremely open and interested in other definitions you might have, feel free to leave them in the comments.

So, with that out of the way let’s talk about settling.

In what different ways to people settle in their lives?

There are a lot of different ways someone might settle in life. It could be in their choice of career, the place where they decide to live or the people they allow into their lives. It usually involves making a choice that is different to or compromises one’s ideals.

Settling isn’t always a bad thing

And I don’t necessarily think it’s always a bad thing to settle. For example, I’m not super picky about cars so the one I might buy doesn’t need to be optimized, it just needs to be comfortable and reliable. I might prefer a black interior but I would settle for a cream interior without much fanfare or impact on my future.

Low stakes settling seems easier, in some ways more efficient so you can point your attention to the things that really matter to you.

A primary romantic relationship is not what I would consider a low stakes scenario. So it would be little surprise for you that my take is that it’s very difficult to settle in this type of relationship without significant long-term, negative impact.

What is causing you to settle?

Like I mentioned earlier, I didn’t know I had settled.

After my relationship ended I was left with the question, “How did I end up here?”

I was in a relationship devoid of nurture, care and concern for me other than what I contributed to the family unit. I didn’t necessarily frame it as settling but I knew the decision to marry this person would not perhaps include nurture.

I made the calculation to marry thinking that was an okay proposition. I look back at that as a big ‘yikes’ although I felt like it made a lot of sense back then.

And this wasn’t the last time I experienced totally neglecting some aspect of myself to pursue a relationship. Even after my divorce I was very attached to someone who I knew was not going to fully understand me but was emotionally supportive in other ways.

In both cases, I could identify that those people served what I thought was my most important need. The first was security and years later the primary need I had was an emotional connection to someone.

I felt like since those were taken care of that I could make the rest either fall into place or compromise. I wanted those relationships to work because of the comfort I got from them that I abandoned the idea that other parts of me were important. I was willing to accept that fate.

Why do people settle for the bare minimum?

In my previous examples I settled for less because security was something I highly valued and then later it was an emotional connection that meant the most to me. Perhaps I wasn’t prepared to gamble with losing those things for something better because I feared I wouldn’t find them again.

To some extent, I also think settling in my marriage had to do with not thinking I needed care, nurture, and help. That I could manage so much on my own. It’s something that I’ve always taken pride in.

As I was unraveling the question of how I ended up in a relationship where my own care was neither a priority to myself or my partner a friend of mine who knew me pretty well gave me an interesting thought to sit with. He said:

‘Just because you don’t require a lot, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve more.’

That statement cut through me because it pointed out how little I was thinking about my own wellbeing. Having someone to take care of the mental load and logistics was not a part of the equation of me finding a partner. And I can see now how that was a huge problem.

Some other reasons people might settle are:

-          Fear of being alone

-          Not thinking you’re worthy of something better

-          Being afraid to fully to show up as yourself

-          Seeking acceptance from others by fulfilling a certain role

-          Age pressures to get married

Recognizing that you are settling

It’s silly to think but I was basically the only person who couldn’t see I was settling. I’m so used to doing everything for myself it hadn’t occurred to me that being with someone who would allow me to carry that load (literally and figuratively) was a problem.

In fact, when my best friend and mentor first met me she clocked the dynamic of my marriage from the outset. We were headed out the beach all together and she noticed that I was the one carrying all the equipment and my ex was not helping. I’m so used to doing things myself I didn’t notice it.

Seeing how skewed my views of partnership equated to low expectations

As I became aware of this gap in my thinking I started to notice things around me in a different light. For example, I had started to travel more during separation and as I was waiting to board the plane I would notice that common travel dance that parents of infants do. They take the stroller with them to the gate and have the baby gear and it’s an ordeal to get everything organized to board. I used to do this as a single parent, and I had my system down pat.

But I noticed that the pair would struggle with what to do sometimes. I would usually see the mother holding the baby and the father struggling to get everything put away in an orderly fashion. And in my head my first thought was ‘oh that’s so nice that he’s so helpful.’

I only began to realise that the thought was a reinforcement of my own unhealthy view. My skewed belief was that it was exceptional that the man was helping, rather than seeing it as normal and expected thing for a true partner to be doing. Not expecting that from a partner IS having low expectations. It was my own special form of settling.

Accepting and knowing why you’re settling is only the start

Just because you can now identify the issues that you’ve had with settling doesn’t necessarily mean that your problems are now solved. In fact, I think this is just the beginning of the process.

For myself, once I knew that I had these interesting beliefs and expectations about a partner I started to look at the world around me differently. Now when I saw couples at the airport, if my default thought was that it was so nice of the husband to help I made a concerted effort to correct this thought and remember that that is normal and expected in a mutual relationship. That is not exceptional, it’s the bare minimum.

I was essentially resetting and recalibrating what my view of a normal partnership looked like and there was no other possible outcome of this reprogramming than to raise my own expectations of what a relationship should be.

Overcoming settling

I’ll be honest, I’m the kind of person that often has to be hit over the head several times with a issue before I get to the right solution when it comes to standing up for myself and the nurturing I need. And it usually comes from being tired of getting constantly hurt by another person.

Let me correct that.

I got tired of allowing myself to be hurt by staying in a situation I know is not workable.

The funny thing is, when it comes to my kids I have much more clarity. In fact, the last relationship I had where the guy was very kind but unreliable, I had been waiting on him and I was emotionally distraught at being forgotten.

And the only outrage I could muster was how mad I was that this person would put me, a single mother, in this position to feel this way when I had to be the primary caretaker for two people who look to me to be rock solid.

This was the last step for me. It was the consequence and impact on the kids that finally woke me up. Honestly, I should have that care and concern for myself but I’m working toward that. I like to think I’d be more likely to pass this test when I start seeing people again. It was finally the time that my outrage overcame my fear of losing this connection to a person. Or perhaps it was me being tired. Either way, point made.

Putting your higher standards into practice

Look, this is the hardest part and one that I think I will always have to be vigilant about keeping in place. I haven’t yet had to put this into practice with another relationship yet, but I know when I’m back dating it will be something that I’ll be very aware of.

In another blog post I talk about by thoughts of building a friendship first before looking at someone through a romantic lens. I like to think this is another natural stop gap measure.

Settling in Casual Relationships

For me it’s a no-brainer that this is going to be my approach to any serious relationships, but honestly, recently in my more casual situations I’ve learned that it’s really hard not to compromise your integrity if you’re letting a casual situation be an exception. It really can’t be an exception to your expectations otherwise you’re practicing the self-sabotaging habits again.

For example, someone that I casually like spending time with, but know that we wouldn’t be a good fit, in the recent past I had found that our ideas of scheduling were not the same. He’s not a great planner, whereas I like an actual time to be discussed. I have experienced some frustration with this but then I thought we’ll it’s not a big deal because we’re not going to turn into anything serious anyway. But more recently I’ve grown annoyed at this and felt like it wasn’t great for my own wellbeing to be accepting of someone (even in a casual way) who isn’t either willing or capable of scheduling further in advance.

I thought about why I was accepting of that previously and I think it came from a place of enjoying the casual nature of what we had and being scared that if it goes away I won’t have time to connect with anyone else in this moment. Dating isn’t a priority to me.

This was the first time that this fear didn’t feel like a good enough reason to compromise on my own care and consideration of what I need. Again, it didn’t matter that we weren’t in an actual relationship…I didn’t want to be. What did matter is that I was accepting of something that deprioritized my own needs and that’s not something I want to practice or normalize any further in my life.

And let me tell you, it has taken me a long time to get to this place.

Additionally, actually expressing that I wasn’t feeling the casual thing anymore was also difficult. Just because it’s the right thing to do doesn’t mean that it will suddenly be easy. In fact, it sucks because you’re aware of what you’re missing. You wish it could be different but it’s not.

And that’s part of it, too. Making sure you’re seeing what’s in front of you clearly, the person who you are with, that you can’t change them is a hard thing to accept. But it’s the kindest thing to both of you to do.

Higher standards can come with an initial loss

This is probably the most jarring part of putting your higher standards into practice. It’s heartbreaking, in fact. You meet someone you get along with, things are great, your spirits are high, and then you notice something that is small but important. Maybe they are super responsible and reliable, but you don’t have an emotional connection. Perhaps you’ve got a strong emotional and physical connection but intellectually they aren’t interested in the same things and can’t fully understand your world.

When you have identified the things that are important to you and are clear about yourself you might experience meeting wonderful people who are just not a fit. Not because they’re an asshole or a jerk but it could be something as simple as they aren’t great with laundry, or they don’t ask a lot of questions about your interests.

Trust me, its much easier to release something before a real attachment develops.

Can your standards be too high?

I think this is such an interesting question and I suppose if you’re really clear on who you are it’s not possible to have standards that are too high…within reason. For example, if you’re looking for a billionaire who is 6ft tall and under 35 that kinda feels limiting.

Also, what about those traits tells me anything about this person’s character? If you’re looking for someone with money, maybe what you’re really after is financial security. I assure you it’s possible to marry someone who has a lot of money and not be financially secure yourself in the slightest.

In terms of height, I feel like that fits more into the preference category but is it a dealbreaker if a guy is 5ft 10? In most cases probably not. Age is an interesting one to me also because why are you choosing at specific age?

When it comes to standards I think it makes more sense to talk about character traits rather than bank accounts. I have a long list on my phone, as I think a lot of girlies do. And it’s funny because most people who read it say that I’m basically just describing a good quality person, but in my specific flavour.

Also, I genuinely do not ask for something in someone else that I do not also bring to the relationship. High on my list is being able to communicate and be extremely reliable and reachable. I have no problem asking for that because I do these things.

Lowering standards doesn’t feel right to me if your non-negotiables based on your real needs as an individual and not purely an ego exercise.

Should I settle for less than what I want?

I don’t think I’m in a position where I could comfortably settle for less than what I want. It takes a lot of faith to know that there is something right for you without necessarily having proof yet. You might have a lot of near misses- beware of fool’s gold, so to speak.

Settling implies letting go of things that you’ve identified as important to who you are. If you do this you may be neglecting your own needs which I can tell you is tolerable in the early years but makes you feel so diminished over time.

I hope you have the courage to consider waiting for the things that are really meant for you.