Listening to What Your Kids Have to Say

It’s easy to think that just because we’ve been through childhood ourselves, we already know everything there is to know about our kids. Sure, our experience gives us some insight, and we can probably interpret certain life events better than they can. But it’s important to remember that kids have their own unique wisdom. Giving them the space to express themselves, without coming across as condescending, can create a safe outlet for them to share their feelings and interests, and that’s something they’ll carry with them for life.

Some of the most meaningful moments I’ve shared with my kids have come during the simplest of times—like the eight-minute drive to school. There’s something special about being in a small space together, not facing each other, and knowing this time will happen regularly. It creates a unique environment where conversations flow naturally. Most days, the topics are light (anime, basketball, Rubik’s cubes) but every now and then, there’s a deeper topic. It’s during those moments that my kids share something personal, giving me a glimpse into their inner world.

I’ve often joked that I had to listen intently to subjects I wasn’t particularly interested in just to get to those golden nuggets of insight. But it’s always been worth it.

Let Them Reveal Themselves

Maybe I’ve just been blessed with talkative kids, but I’ve rarely had to pry to learn what’s going on in their lives. They usually offer it up on their own. I think a big part of this is because I leave space for them to talk about whatever is on their mind, even if it’s not what I might have chosen to discuss.

This approach isn’t limited to my parenting style; it’s also how I interact with people in general. I’m not one to interrogate or dig for personal details right away. I prefer to let people reveal themselves naturally when they feel ready. I figure if we know each other long enough then maybe it will be important for me to know those details about them, and they’ll feel comfortable offering. With kids, I’ve found that this creates a comfortable environment where they know they can talk to me without pressure.

Ensuring They Feel Heard

One of the most important things I’ve learned as a parent is the value of making sure my kids feel heard. I still vividly remember a childhood moment when I felt the opposite. It was a small thing on the surface, getting a haircut I didn’t want, but it stuck with me because I had clearly expressed my wishes, and they were ignored. I do think this moment, and probably others like it made me feel like I needed to silence myself when it came to my own needs. I’m placing blame for this, it just is what it is. But the memory of not feeling heard has shaped how I approach listening to my own children.

If my kids ask for something that isn’t dangerous, wildly impractical, or prohibitively expensive, I try to accommodate them. And if I have to say no, I try to explain my reasoning. For example, if they want to stay up later, I’ll explain how important sleep is for their growth and focus rather than just shutting them down. This way, even when they don’t get their way, they know their voice mattered in the conversation. I had considered their input and the answer is still no.

Maintaining Your Own Boundaries

While listening is crucial, it’s also important to maintain your own boundaries. Kids have this uncanny ability to think that the exact moment they want to talk is the perfect time to do so—whether or not you’re in the middle of something important.

When I’m working from home or handling other tasks, I sometimes have to remind them that it isn’t the best time to talk. This doesn’t mean I’m dismissive of their needs. It’s about teaching them that while their thoughts and feelings are important, they also need to be considerate of others' time and focus. I make a point to circle back to them when I’m done, so they know they’re not being ignored. They gradually are learning that timing matters.

Conclusion

Listening to your kids isn’t just about hearing their words; it’s involves creating a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their world with you. It’s about striking a balance between being attentive to their needs and teaching them to respect your boundaries. Over time, these moments—whether during a car ride or a late-night chat—build a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

When your kids feel heard, they’re more likely to keep opening up to you. And when you honor their thoughts and feelings while still holding your boundaries, you teach them how to communicate in healthy, meaningful ways that will serve them throughout their lives.