How do I Know if I Should Get a Divorce?

I imagine this is one of the hardest questions to answer when dealing with marital challenges. I say ‘imagine’ because this is one part of the process I didn’t toil over. During the couple of years I was trying to learn about myself I realized that the marriage that I was in didn’t support the future I hoped for.

The process of facing my own failings and realities was difficult, but the decision to divorce was a natural conclusion.

I want to share that for full disclosure.

It also got me to thinking about why it was so simple for me to make the decision and stick with it. People would genuinely be surprised when I told them I hadn’t thought about trying to reconcile.

It’s because I knew me. I knew my partner. I could see all the variables involved in this situation and could see inevitable scenarios.

So how does that help you?

I may not have the answer of whether you should get a divorce or not, but I do have some smaller questions you could ask yourself that will give you clarity around your situation.

If you want to know whether divorce might be right for you, starting with the right questions can help you clarify the future prospects of your relationship.

These are the various questions I tested myself with.

Questions to ask yourself if you have children

Children are one of the biggest reasons that people stay together. It does make sense that if you have children together you’re already tied to each other in that way so maybe you’re more willing to work at a marriage even if going through difficult times.

Some questions I asked when evaluating my decision to divorce:

How will this affect the kids?

Would staying together create a stable and loving environment for them?

Would separating create a stable and loving environment for them?

Are the kids witness to a lot of fighting?

Do they see both parents living full lives?

My observation of children is that they watch us closely and usually don’t follow what we say, but rather what we do.

For as many mistakes as I knew I would inevitably make during this process, I felt like the only thing I could have influence over is living my own life in a way that was genuine, consistent, and meaningful for me.

In my case, I came to the conclusion that I could offer a far healthier emotional for them by separating.

Questions to ask about the state of your relationship

I’m sure I’ll catch some flack for this but even in the relationship structure, you as an individual matter. Relationships take compromise, yes. But to what degree? So you know my bias, I do not believe a healthy relationship can be created/sustained if you are knowingly or unknowingly hiding or neglecting essential pieces of yourself.

Was there a time when your relationship was equal and loving?

Are you fully showing up in your relationship as yourself?

Are you and your partner willing to make meaningful changes or go to therapy if needed?

Do you feel there is mutual respect in your relationship?

Questions to ask about your future

One powerful way to gain clarity is to imagine the future if you stay in the marriage versus if you separate.

What are your dreams for your future?

What will your life look like in the next 5, 10, or even 20 years if you stay together?

Steps you can take when you’re tired of asking heavy questions

To some extent I know you’re not gonna be able to quiz your way into the right answer for you. The strongest feedback you’ll get is when you’re out living your life and connecting with the emotions these experiences come with.

For example, when I began learning about myself I started to show up more authentically and soon discovered that this person I was becoming was not welcome in my relationship. It was heartbreaking to know that I had long ago contracted to marriage where my true self was not only not appreciated but also treated with disdain. Hiding this part of me was not something I was prepared to do for the rest of my life.

Keep connected to yourself

Asking these questions of yourself can possibly leave you feeling a bit vulnerable and uncertain. Don’t worry if you aren’t sure what to do in this moment. No single blog post or set of questions will solve all your problems but being engaged with the things that are important to you is a good first step.